naughty naughty

naughty naughty

i should be happy.

life has been different these past three weeks. ns was everything i expected it to be and it brought with it realisations which never would have propped up before.

i miss home. i miss my friends. i miss sheereen.

i miss watching tv till 4 am in the morning and waking up at one in the afternoon to go to work.
i miss chilling out with ah pek and the gang eating supper and smoking all my money away.
i miss sitting across her, listening to her go on and on about something or another...loving the fact that she is and wants to be with me.

as much as i miss some things, i'm pretty surprised about the things that i don't miss...and the things that i actually enjoy about my present situation.

i guess what those things are don't really matter but what i think matters is that i will get through this...and move on. i may not be the best company...but it'll only be for awhile.

apa nak jadi...jadilah.

i never realised how apt that title was. bmt 1/5 through...many many more weeks to go.

Rampant

silence.
revel in the sound of absence.

looking at you.

a smile.
your presence.


all i want to do is collapse into you.

breathing the scent that will keep me sane.
til i see you again.

i've traced back the feelings of discontent to my post on national day. that was the beginning of me not enjoying things i used to live for.

its quite sad really cos they used to represent so much of me.

friends, family, colleagues. they think they know what i'm about but i'll never allow that vulnerability to engulf me.

you read this. you judge. i don't blame you cos i do that too.

this entry is the epitome of itself.

Push the button

Push the button

read any 13-15 year old's friendster profile and you might find under the "about me" section, their e-mail addresses, that they like the sugababes(who doesnt?), chatting on msn and that they hate hypocrites.

the fact that i know all this isn't the point of this entry. but why does everybody hate hypocrites?

hypocrisy is something that is frowned upon and viewed with much negativity but how realistic is it for one to not be associated with that term. in this world of political correctness and especially in our asian culture of saving face i guess its hypocritical for us to even stand up and say "i'm definitely 100% not a hypocrite".

sometimes i profess things that i don't neccessarily believe in just to stop from too many questions being asked or to just humour a person not worth humouring. doesnt that make me a hypocrite?

there is this one thing on two legs whom i have totally no respect for as a person. and i treated him that way for a long time. i have since decided to just humour him because its too much trouble and effort to treat him like the cow shit he is. so now although i doubt my names high on his list of good listeners (he likes to tell crap stories about his pathetic life) ..i'm pretty sure he doesnt think of me as so much of a threat. i mean i've seen the phoney-ness of how some of my friends treat him and although i didnt believe in doing the same initially it was just too much drama not to just grin and bear it.

what a hypocrite.

its funny how in this age of expressing your ideas and being true to yourself that when someone consistently says out loud his honest, no-holds barred opinions, he is viewed much like a rebel in funny clothes in this society of cookie-cutters, stick a tail on my donkey ass pretenders.

and when someone says out loud what they really think about other people they are sued, issued gag orders or convicted. for their opinions. sheesh.

what i write here is probably as close to my actual thoughts compared to any conversation you might have with me. whether you know me or not, like me or despise me ..you can judge if you want, i guess i am asking for that if i actually get down to writing an entry about it. but for all the shit written here..i may actually not believe a single shred of it.

aaaah hypocrisy...beautiful ain't it?

-

-

there are times in life when you see the light. sometimes it shines straight into you so you cant help but close your eyes for awhile cos looking straight at it will hurt your eyes rendering you blind for a few seconds.

i've been absent these past few weeks. not physically...just mentally not present. i doubt if anyone noticed this absence cos i've come to realise that people may not be who i thought they were...at least with reagrds to me. it all might sound selfish to you but it makes perfect sense to me when i say this. i've lived my life in circles around people i care for. family, especially friends. and now with an absence more pronounced looming i feel a little sad that my presence may never have been of much importance to these people.

i guess i'm speaking from a very private place right now. the only people who "know" can't really comprehend and i don't blame them. cos the ones who can are the ones i've been absent from. and they will never have noticed it.

i've heard a lot of talk about leading your own life...hidup mesti jalan terus...haha..mestilah jalan terus..yang tak terjalan terus ...terus mampus. well my life is defined by the people around me and this ramadhan has probably opened my eyes to the truth. And i thank you all.

Kalau sampai waktuku
Ku mau tak seorang kan merayu
Tidak juga kau
Tak perlu sedu sedan itu

Aku ini binatang jalang
Dari kumpulannya terbuang

Biar peluru menembus kulitku
Aku tetap meradang menerjang

Luka dan bisa kubawa berlari
Berlari
Hingga hilang pedih peri

Dan aku akan lebih tidak perduli

Aku mau hidup seribu tahun lagi

Selamat Hari Raya

high quality cigarettes

high quality cigarettes

look up there..that box right here. full of 20 of my friends. sometimes i feel like their the only friends i have. then i go and finally spend some time with people whose company i sometimes have to decline because i'm too busy doing stuff that i think is important, surrounded by people who probably don't give a rat's eyelash abt me or my ideas. sad i know ..but i guess this makes me more reserved about things i previously would have been more excited about. but the excitement wanes as i realise that i don't really fit in. which is a good thing cos maybe they don't deserve everything that i can offer. the bottomline is i guess i don't care anymore. anyway back to the chilling.

when i go chillin with these people, with my members as they would put it, i smoke many many sticks from the big red box and i work out some abdominal muscles i forgot i still had from too much laughter and i have fun again. i forget about all the insecurity, anger about the lack of control i have and fear about crap like my future and doing shit for people who don't deserve even a fart. i feel like i belong again ..the same can't be said about other things though. but hey...i don't have a say in some things..and it will probably never change so what do i do? go chill out with people i enjoy chilling out with. the future? we'll go back to it some other time. there i go again abt the not so good stuff. you understand now why i need to chill?

and when there's no chilling out to do....

i got her to take stupid pictures with me (=

so 2nd dec..bring it on. i've had my fun...apa nak jadi..jadilah. ha ha ha
go and lick my koteh. i don't give a damn.

sweet goodbye

sweet goodbye

life is full of ups and downs. you go up, you come down. the ups are expected, the downs inevitable. bak kata anwar, " susah sekejap aje, senang pun tak lama"

so whats the point of living if life is so predictable, a close friend asked me that recently and i answered him with a passion i never knew i had about life.

i told him, "its just a ride, but its about what you take from the ride. don't focus on getting to the destination, just take in what you can from the ride. the sights, sounds, experiences, people. learn from everything so that you seize the highs when they come by and when you have the downs it'll pass by faster."

i think that basically sums up how i've seen life these past few months. i've been in the company of many different people, some fucked up, others inspirational, some really blur, a few searching for their true calling, two really smelly and one oh so beautiful. i've learnt from each and every one of them, the good, the bad, the smelly. i guess that's my way of taking in the ride, my way of enjoyin the journey.

saying that...i guess this has helped me come to terms with missing out on doing the dec show with 3 people i respect as individuals and whose company as a trio i look forward to every single time. its a missed opportunity but i guess its part of the ride.

and the fear of the future? its always gonna be there but i'm gonna enjoy the now. and now, i'm having the time of my life. i hope you are too. but if not its cool. cos the ride's just begun. heh. saying it demeans the true nature of my ecstasy so i'll just shut up now.

and no, I won't start that again. heh

si bodoh nak joget jugak

si bodoh nak joget jugak

if you sacrifice time, money and friendships to do the thing you love and to help a place you feel like you belong to only to see it being thrown back in your face by the comments and actions of the same place, would you feel like an utter idiot being led by the hairs on your ass, as you continue to pump in buckets of sweat ..not to mention tonnes of potential "lepak" time, to a place where recognition is hard to come by and even a simple sorry doesnt exist.

the lack of recognition is still tolerable though.

if you make a mistake that cannot be salvaged..the most logical thing is to just say sorry...its also the LEAST you can do. i would feel like crap but because of the way you've dealt with it...i feel like running into a concrete wall without a helmet. i've given what i can offer for your cause. even when i feel like i'm being picked on i just brush it off and take it in cos i tell myself i'm just being paranoid. but i guess this is the ice on top of the mountains you see in movies. its slowly melting like the patience i have for you and the friends i have there. maybe it has come to a pt where i have to fuck it all and just go. you've probably judged me already for the things i've done. the things you think will tar your name. so maybe i should make it easier for you lah huh.

and if any of my friends think they know how i feel. i can probably only agree that one or two really understand. but their different...they have things to offer so you need them. i am expected to be able to do everything when you want me to and if i cant you go around judging and destroying my credibility as a WHOLE person.

i know what i want...and i will eventually know what to do. once i do...i'll have no qualms doing it. then you can say whatever you want...oh wait..that's what you do now anyway.

its just a ride. i'll get there soon.

no matter what i do

no matter what i do

power is nothing without control.
and i never thought i would not have the power to control the way i feel. so i end up feeling like crap and like a million bucks at the same time.

i don't expect anyone to understand the way i feel and the reason i do stuff. and i know i deserve the consternation and indifference because of the circumstances i've allowed myself to get into.
believe me...i've asked and contradicted myself many times and i've tried not allowing things to go on personally.

if anyone understood the pain i felt with zura before...turn it 180 degrees (this is good not bad) around but add a lot of guilt to it - thats how i feel now.

the bottomline is...i like feeling the way i feel when she's around..a lot. this scares me but excites me at the same time. and i'll take that with me for a long long time..no matter how things turn out.

no matter what i do..aku jahat...aku tahu.

wed aftn

wed aftn

when you do something that you normally wouldnt do, is that called being out of character? but what if the things you do are always the things you normally don't do. how does that get defined? this is not making any sense..but humour me lah.picture this. what if every single day was filled with things you do for the first time or that you don't do again for a long time? does that excite you? or will it tire you?

i'm just wondering...cos this past week has been filled with things i've done before but not in succession...and its been fun. although i miss the routine which i will get back to next week and probably curse the tiresomeness.

and i'm still hung up over things i cant get..or if i'm gonna be more accurate, should not be trying to get. i'm not trying to objectify...this is me being cryptic..hur hur hur.

and singing to malay songs at the top of your voice when noone is at home on a wed afternoon is very happening.


pabila tangisan embun pagi!!!
mimpi indah..tah ke mana menghilang
itulah kenyataan!!!
engkau biarkan aku terbuang
dan mencari dirimu
di alam fana cinta!!
engkau pula berdusta!!!

bila terpejam lena

bila terpejam lena

its funny when you seem to relate to everyone, correction everyone seems to be able to relate to you AND you still manage to feel like an outsider. you understand people but people just think they know you when they havent even pierced through the first layer of your being. you can either grin and bear it and seem "safe" or come of as an arrogant jerk. i miraculously can do both.

i think i now know how anwar feels, noone really gets me and i'm beginning to think myself to sleep more and more. and it is becoming increasingly frustrating.

oh well. c'est la vie.

tweedy me2

tweedy me

-Di sebalik senyummu, tersembunyi seribu lara-

i've been having a lot of trouble sleeping recently. i always end up asleep only after 3. very frustrating cos i usually work in the morning. working in the morning and sleeping after 3 is not a very complimentary pairing. but since i cannot sleep i think a lot.
the one thing i've thought of other than the pain in my left foot from too much dancing during dangdut rehearsals is the sad way life is always perceived by people. most people i mean..myself sometimes included.

you always build up fantasies in you mind about your future and about relationships and jobs and what have you. and when they actually happen u get super bummed cos things arent exactly like the way you pictured. i get it all the time..like when it comes to girls, or rather my relationships with them, and maybe i deal defensively by not having any expectations at all.

surprisingly like that haircare commercial said it "its works"!

it really does work ..cos you focus less on how the end result should be like your fantasies and you learn how to appreciate the details more and you enjoy the ride. for me this attitude works in work, you get what i mean rite, at home and basically in almost all facets of my life right now..heck i'm even positively looking forward to NS (ok..that may be becos i have a feeling it'll be somewhere next year and i'm determined to make the most out of my time left)

i'm not saying you shouldnt have goals or even dream a lil. i mean you can..if you have a strong sense of the real to pull you back at the end of the day. that way..if ur disappointed it won't be the end of the world...and you will probably bounce back stronger..like a tennis ball thrown on Thierry Henry's bald pate.

if you're reading this, i hope brinjal kept you good company yest nite. i want to smell like cocoa butter too some time ;)

dilema

dilema

adib, yang sudah berpunya tu tak boleh diambil. that's called stealing. just leave her with him. don't spoil his happiness.

tapi aku nak. aku tak tahu lah dia nak ke tak dengan aku tapi aku nak jugak.

duduk diam2 buat hal sendiri aje dib. dia tu orang punya. lupakan aje...ada banyak lagi kucing kat kolong.

tapi tiap kali aku ada mesti dia dekat ngan aku. kadang2 aku buat bodoh dia yang layan. takkan aku buat dek je? is that the way to treat a lady?


tapi dia tu orang punya! kau nak disamakan dengan orang2 macam gitu? orang yang memancing ikan yang sudah ditangkap orang lain?

tapi aku suka..dia cute. aku tak pernah ada yang se-cute dia. she's cuter than all the others before. i can't stand it. macam mana ni?

adib...please..just forget about her k. she can survive on her own. tak yah kau nak sibuk2.

but she's a stray child. kadang2 aje dia balik. without me i don't know how she's gonna survive. she hasnt got anyone else except...

except Azmi! Azmi kan dah sound dulu. dia dah bawak makan semua....kau jangan kacau daun ah. there are other pussies around. you've had ur fair share anyway.

no. every pussy's special. i'm gonna make her mine. and i don't care what you say. from tomorrow onwards if Tammy waits for me when i get home..i'm gonna make her mine.





dan dengan itu aku mula lebih mesra dengan kucing jiran aku. tapi sekarang dia dah balik kat Azmi selepas beberapa malam makan nasi dengan ikan rebus kat rumah aku. moral of the story..don't steal. cos crime does not pay..and it breaks hearts.*

*names have been changed to protect the fragile film of privacy that surrounds every individual in this now forsaken world

fuckjobs

fuckjobs

its sad when u have to sit (literally) and watch stupidity unfold.

i'm tired of this shit. i'm tired of all the attention. all the wasted time. friendships are built over time but all this time can prove to be a waste. all i know is this is the beginning of the end for a number of things. i don't want to be bothered by this anymore. i dont relate to anyone on it and that is the saddest thing i can think of right now.

left again

left again

loving you was easy cos ur beautiful
losing you - the hardest thing i ever went through
your written confession deafened my existence in its silence.
silence that you never broke.
i died in your ignorant bliss

away from you i toughened.
like weathered skin on a vagabonds face
my heart hardened as much as my skin thinned
i never found myself again, losing me would be poignantly ironic after i let you go
there's nothing poignant about my life anymore other than the memories

as you beckon again
the walls i've built from my tears
melt as it diffuses through my paper skin
soaking my future with the darkness and smiles of the past
the hopelessness of the now echo threateningly in my choice.

foolish hope
execution of the intellectual
this rhapsody leaves me exactly where it greeted me, that day in october.
crying for you.

i will never be untrue

i will never be untrue

i realised that sometimes i say things that may hurt people. i mean i don't mean to..i just find it hard to pretend to be happy with things all the time.

i'm not the most confrontational guy and i can take things as they are most of the time...thats why if i find that i dont agree with something, i'll say it, especially if it means something to me. if it hurts someone too bad...at least i'm not smiling in front of you while i bitch behind your back rite?

well if you thought that was better then you're wrong. cos ppl are too stupid to realize and understand that the truth hurts sometimes and rather than be too bummed out by it..u should start improving or changing IF you're that bothered by it.

if not the ignore it and continue living in bliss...cos its not worth it to be fretting over something someone said about you especially if it hurts and its true.

If i had to do it all again

If i had to do it all again

sometimes your best just isnt good enough. and sometimes you have to accept that you just arent good enough. and sometimes no matter how hard you try, you'll never be good enough.

and this..my friends, i've just realised is my greatest fear.

reaching the apex of my abilities. when no matter how hard you try, nothing changes.

and i realise too..this is the reason i dont get close to certain people. cos i dont wanna disappoint when the time comes for them to deservedly expect more.

this is it now. i'm gonna start sniffing UHU glue and escape into the heights of tortured, temporary, tittillating heaven.

M-m-m-m-maureen

M-m-m-m-maureen

aku penat. sepenat penatnya. i need a break. but when u enjoy doing the things that make you penat..its worth it right?

well..update. i've been pretty good these past few weeks. been hanging out a lot especially the last couple of days and although its added to my penatness..its been fun. but i feel like there's something missing.

maybe its just my inability to feel secure enough with what i have. maybe its my super finicky personality that keeps changing its tastes and wants. maybe its my indecisiveness when it comes to the things that matter.

when it comes to work or theatre...i know exactly what i have to do. but when it comes to everything else i cant decide. i know i want to have fun but is fun worth having at the expense of something more definite?

hmm...

ya i think it is.

and i know my blogs been getting so very the mendak. nothing inspires me to write anymore so i resort to these kinda posts which if i want to be honest are here for the sake of writing. so maybe i should just stop. what say you?

you don't know what you do to me
i know you wont be true to me
the least that you could do for me
is keep it to yourself.

blurry.
when you cant sleep at night
when you start thinking

blurry..
the thought that trancends obsession
the thought that makes you act silly

blurry...
confusion
confusion of the terminally undecided.

i'm afraid i'll let this go without ever having it.
and my solution? smoke more, think less.
why do i always digress? ....permanently

tell me something so typical

tell me something so typical

good things come to those who wait?
apparently i said this once.

the one who preaches disbelieves.

good things come to those who do something. if its not coming then you're doing it wrong.
OR..you never really wanted it in the first place.

so now i'm undecided. heh

do i want what is good for me? the need for something you always thought you needed but realised you just wanted could really be something you actually needed. make sense?

so do you want me? or, do you need me? do you even know you want/need me?

probably not.

i know one thing though...i love my cats. and my mom and dad....despite the lack of show.

i also like cake. and cigarettes. and chicks.

i spent too much time singing with a headache.

but i had fun guys, pit, den...k box lagi ah!

rantings of a frustrated nightlife-deprived tatsuhiko

rantings of a frustrated nightlife-deprived tatsuhiko

truth is stranger than fiction because fiction has to make sense

i took that off thisistrue.com and that statement itself makes a lot of sense and rings very true.

first impressions are deceitful. they lie and make you think a person is someone whom he/she really isnt. but first impressions are powerful. this is a fact of life..and like most, it stinks.

sometimes you will never fit in because you were the odd one out all the time. you were fun to have around and to sometimes hang out with..but you never will fit into the group dynamic. so deal with it. stop hanging around them.

what is love? love is blind, thus its dangerous cos it'll bring up potentially damaging compromises which are bound to make you feel miserable when you guys eventually break up.

i'm always gonna be alright. me and mr.w ..we get along just fine. 20 sticks and a few days of company.

was looking forward to losing myself in all the noise and liquid gratification but tonight was just not meant to be...next week then. i look forward to. then i'll lose myself in all the noise and the extra (fun) bits.

i guess i just miss the company of certain untouchables. vindicate me ..please.

Come to see victory
In a land called fantasy
Loving life a new degree
Bring your mind to everlasting liberty

you never know a good thing till it leaves you

you never know a good thing till it leaves you

monotony rots your mind and makes you unintelligeble. i am not even sure if i spelt that word correctly cos the monotony has gotten to me and now i officially have an intellect of an ego charged ah beng.

recently i've been seduced once again by a sleek, flat object - my ps2. i've missed ma baby but i think its become too demanding. i cant resist its call every nite before i sleep. so much so that when i sleep its no longer nite. sad i know.

i cant think of anything worth writing now...ma baby is calling me.

and yes...if u think i'm pathetic...ur not far off...but i think ur stupid so we're even.

i'll sing you to sleep

i'll sing you to sleep

give me something worth living for.

waking up today was so difficult. so much so i did it at 1643hrs. that officially makes me depressed today. cos i'm spending saturday at home when i could really be out doing something with someone.

i've been having really strange dreams lately. about really random people. by random i mean they probably qualify to be more of an acquaintance than friend cos i don't really know them. but me being me and thinking that these dreams mean more than they probably do...i want to get to know them now.

right now, i'm supposed to be writing my script...but i find this more enticing. too bad this is the end of it.

smelly socks

smelly socks

how many times have you done something that you really wanted to do?

not something you feel obliged to or forced to do by societal pressure or by a misplaced sense of responsibility.

have you found yourself wanting to do something real bad...but when you trace back the roots of that desire, it stemmed from someone or something else.

recently i realised that a lot of my worries and some dreams come from these sources. i mean, there's nothing wrong about it...all that crap about "being true to yourself" is very relative and belongs more aptly in a disney movie theme song. i mean how true can you be without deriving from influences of people that had crossed paths with you?

everyone has been asked this question before, "what do you want to be when you grow up?"

i've grown up a lot and i still don't really have a definite answer. i'm sure a lot people in similar situations as me feel the same way. and we worry a lot mostly because people tell us we should be worried about the future.

pretty sad rite. but alas human nature is so. sad.

i started this entry with a single thought and an intention to ramble. so i will end this inconclusively. i'm tired and bored but i just wanted to write.

it's been fun

it's been fun

as of the end of this month i will no longer be able to purchase the student concession pass anymore.

this sad news was unveiled to me a little over 2 hours ago as i unknowingly bought my last pass ever.

this marks the end of my youth which will be curtailed even further with the impending national service enlistment that i am bound to receive any day now.

so join me in bidding a slow goodbye to the youthful days of yore which will never be relived again.

bye





bye

don't embrace the past
or grow up too fast

heatwave

heatwave

i hate sundays.
i've been spending the last 3 sundays at home and its been really irritating because i have to contend with an idiot in my house. weekdays i can tahan cos i'm rarely home but sundays with the idiot is very very the irritating.

actually i don't hate sundays that much lah..i get to sleep in and stuff plus he only bothers me when i'm bored so i guess ultimately its cool, cos if u look at him u realise how pathetic he actually is...i feel sorry sometimes but most of the time i gloat.

"everybody thinks they got the prettiest wife at home" - true?

well i think its human nature to want to justify their choice as being the best but if it comes at the expense of rational thinking its sad. but it explains why certain people are in a relationship. i think they seek out like-(narrow)minded beings with an insane tolerance for pimples.


through out a day i swear i think of hitting someone at least 3 times.

-once when i sit next to someone smelly and sweaty on the bus to whom personal space is an idea as alien as baths in the morning.

- once when a couple is walking in front of me totally oblivious to the fact that they are taking up the whole walkway and walking as slow as someone just recovering from a broken hip.

-once when i go to watch a soccer match and sitting behind me is an astonishingly ugly guy who cant seem to keep his STUPID remarks to his group of friends, "Singapore more rich lah!" - he says to the referee when the aforementioned idiot refuses to give S'pore a free-kick. One assumes he was implying that if the referee had given the decision to S'pore he would stand to make more money than kelong-ing to M'sia.

one day i'm gonna snap and end up getting caned for assault. picture this headline "youth beats up defenseless man - man apparently hadnt bathed in 20 years and his legs was taking up too much space on the bus"

ganas kan?

so long

so long

bad timing. that's the only reason good people stay single.
why then do people who seem to have all they need relationship wise throw everything away?

fatigue?
the lack of selflessness?
or pure boredom?

it pains me to see her hurting because i don't think she saw it coming. not that it would have made it excusable on his part but at least she could have readied herself for this.

still who am i to judge? i don't know exactly what happened and from what i know neither does she. he owes it to her to at least come clean about why it happened, if not now eventually.

moving along, i think i know why i'm still single...i sing when i work, way way too much as ina/lin/everyone else i've worked with will tell u. that's why takde jodoh. kwang kwang kwang. not like i'm desperately searching (unlike some people..hehe i mean u Den). C'mon i don't even have time to play football manager.

thanks for warning me yah, u hockey-playing beach bum who i think/hope will never read this =)

well if you wanted honesty

well if you wanted honesty

keeping myself busy keeps me on my toes.
it makes me aware of things around me and helps develop me as an individual who will strive for greater heights of success and happiness.
it also means i have no life.

the second sentence was borne out of me missing out on the thing that keeps me going.
chilling out!!!

its been almost two weeks since i've enjoyed an hour or two,three,ten, of hanging out with my favourite collection of people.

for all those who scorn at us, the future of our nation (*or at least someone with as much potential as me..haha), wasting our precious time away let me tell you something mister. this place is fucked anyways so its totally pointless. anyways i'd rather listen to some of my friends spout out intelligent crap than spend another day at ANY school...unless of course the uniforms are nice, on the girls.

and i realise, i'm long winded aren't i...don't u think so? cos i think i tend to go on and on about my point even though i've established it very early on. i'm not even bothered by this but still i continue talking about it. if that isn't long winded i don't know what is.

i'm bored.

* i'm only joking, but if you want to go on and judge anyway let it be stated that i think your head is too big, and you're just ugly

i like to move it

i like to move it

it seems to be the recurring trend for me to have spent an enormous amount of time at home and then cap it off by posting right here.

it feels nice to reconnect with people. especially someone who used to be so close to u. but isnt it sad that u disconnected in the first place ?

fickle my mind is. but one thing's for sure....my love for the one thing i believed in will not waiver despite the entrance of a seductively annoying 3rd party.

solskjaer..where u man?

and yes...sleeping at home for the whole duration of the weekend(almost) can make u think of very very absurd things.

too bad u werent there babe...we could have a whole load of that thing called fun. but no, u wanted to work. stoooopid. =)

tired.
so very tired.

i want to leave it all behind, i want to start something new.


haunting, very. all the nightmares just seem to keep replaying over and over. the same scenarios just repeating themselves again and again. the characters change but they still make me feel the same way. and the ones who don't, i cannot seem to accept.

why? i think because i like inflicting pain on myself. i can go on and on about the crap that it makes me feel alive but i guess its just a familiar feeling i hold on to.

i miss my lepak buddies.

i miss my money.

i still can't stop thinking of you.

till i find somebody.

she said don't

she said don't

today was unnatural. supremely. i did not step out of the house at all.
it feels weird but i guess it was nice to rest. plus it was my younger bro's bday.
the three of us spent the day watching tv, playing the ps2 and juz chilling cos my parents were in jb or something.

i feel an odd affinity to one of my cats, Duke. He's like the stupidest, and i say it in the nicest way possible, of my 3 cats but he's my fave. he sits in really vulgar positions, rarely utters a sound and when something falls, he'll be the first to jump. why i feel so affiliated? maybe cos he has this aura of loneliness but whenever he's around my other 2 pussies, he's very very affectionate. he could be called the posh one if looks tell the whole story but despite the regality of his appearance, he's more like garfield. and when my parents got home he tried to jump into the boot. c'mon man...he's juz cool. i think he's the only one in our family who actually likes the car. he spends like nights on the bonnet juz looking at our street like some upmarket security guard. he'd probably run in if someone just as much walks towards him.

i'm lost. i see tonight as the last match of the man utd i know, the future looks very different. in no means is it definitely going to be bad but it wont be the same. haiz...americans.

how did it come to this?

the colder water

the colder water

waking up happy
passing a day, despite its length, without any notice.
just the sound of the phone ringing or vulgarly vibrating soothes the lonely,eager soul... savouring each word, ingesting the tones of her voice...each vowel to last a minute.

you quiver at the thought of loss
sleepless, waiting for the next moment you share her smell, her touch, her breath.
everything else is secondary....you lose touch of reality albeit for awhile
you lose yourself in what you think is love.

what is love? (think nite at the roxbury.. ;P)
romancing? sharing? touching?
an idea of living prescribed by those who seem to have it all.
its absence drives some to end their pathetic existence.
brings others to forsake their own blood.

what is love?
something relative
to the degree of naivety you hold.
for most its just abt losing their virginity to the asshole who first proclaims it.
with people like that you cant really blame the cynics.
but then again in the words of the ones who really know their stuff,

"love will keep us alive"

i guess i've been living on cigarettes then...cos i'm still kicking despite that, more than most in love. so the eagles are human after all eh.

withdrawal of ?

withdrawal of ?

sometimes i wonder why my mood swings choose to swing like they do.
its a natural defect, a broken seal, an expired canned food.

why i get so caught up in something, then totally be down about it and then find something to get caught up in again.

nobody i know understands this enough to actually realise that its the way i am, not an excuse for anything else. and its ok cos this way i remain objective about a lot of things. it doesnt bother me per se. and this entry probably only has a significance right now as i'm writing it, cos i'll probably wake up forgetting everything about how i felt 0229 hrs on the 9th of May 2005.

and i wonder do you read this? i'm referring to you the one i feel drawn to despite knowing almost nothing about.

i'm such a pussy...but hey pussies do have fun.
ok, thats like almost a myth in a sentence.
orgasms in the vaginal form = very much debatable right rob?

tmr = opening=20 fucking dollars if i wake up late

me=20 fucking dollars poorer

Yeah Yeah Yeah

Yeah Yeah Yeah

good news
i got another freelance run at disney.
~money come in...more cigarettes ravage my sick body and more going out with girls i dont really like but cos they seem to like me i like them for awhile while i pine for someone more interesting.

WOOO HOOO!!!

sorry if this is gloating but i feel the need to gloat (if you can call that miniscule outpouring of emotion gloating).
anyways its not like anyone reads this barely intelligible excuse of a forum for the spelling challenged yours truly.

and on another note i am going to forget everything thats been going on my mind the last few weeks. after talking to mr. fiscotti i think he's right. no point starting to pursue something which is pointless (haha) and which is probably only existent in my self-indulgent/overconfident but only sometimes mind. so no more.

and what is it with people who blow me away with how they think. someone shoot me with a intellectually charged arrow of wit cos i want some of that action.

i can't take my eyes off of you
blower's daughter u...what else do u blow?

you could be my unintended choice
to live my life extended
you could be the one i'll always love

you could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
you could be the one i'll always love

i'll be there as soon as i can
but i'm busy
mending broken
pieces of the life i had before

first there was the one who challenged
all my dreams and all my balance
she could never be as good as you

you could be my unintended choice
to live my life extended
you should be the one i'll always love

i'll be there as soon as i can
but i'm busy mending broken
pieces of the life i had before

muse - unintended

she's in fashion

she's in fashion

school uniforms...the bane of any 7-16 year old give or take 2-3 years.

the socialist effort to bring the youth to conform has probably given rise to more problems than the men in white realise.

1) bad fashion.
in an effort to rebel without a worthy cause, we see the "kental button up all the way to the collar" look in an effort to be different and follow the lead of aimless trends which these teens have neither the intellect or the poise to carry off. also the skirt above the belly button look which young minahs like to adopt to give us a view of their crabbed and skinny brown legs. and have you ever seen the small tie look...pathetic. the need to be individualistic outweighs the basic sense to look normal. secondary school is probably the real formative years of one's life...bad fashion defines a person from here onwards. the ah beng and mat invasion <- blame it on secondary school uniforms.

2) social problems.
kids will pester their poor parents to get them cooler bags...nicer shoes. all again in an effort to be different. oh wait...everyone's got one so i gotta get one. nah..i was wrong here they juz expanded their repertoire by making everyone conform AND turn into materialistic drones. plus hours of arguments between parent and child. many a closely knit families have been torn apart by this evil, school uniforms.

3) s'pores ageing population.
a man's sexual peak is somewhere near him leaving tertiary education in s'pore. but after 10 odd years of seeing similarly aged girls in s'pores atrocious uniforms some turn gay. i mean have you ever seen some of these uniforms? they look bad and make the girls sometimes look worse. and have u ever been in a bus full of secondary school kids? the smell i tell u..not good. this probably turns both sexes away from each other as our school uniforms have a weird ability to retain sweat and make it even more disgusting. but then again for all the ugly girl uniforms, you get the wet dream of many a young singaporean teen..the IJ girls and that school in woodlands with the sailor moon uniforms..geek girly heaven...so it aint that bad. the smell stays the same though.

4) catholic high school's uniform.
15/16 year old boys in shorts every single school day. its just wrong.

and that my friends sums up the real reason why i went to poly.

although jc uniforms arent that bad.....damn.

this is not an exit

this is not an exit

keeping things inside sucks. they rot and eat away at you and make you feel quesy, angry and emotional at the same time, yes i know anger is also an emotion, so sue me for being repetitive.

but wat if you kept something inside long ago and dealt with it, thought you dealt with it. only for it to be opened up by something significant but you did not foresee making any difference, making you feel a rush of mixed emotions that's been hidden and bottled up because you thought you dealt with it. convoluted. i know.

you know wat you have to do. but you dread the consequences for yourself bcos you know keeping it inside makes things better for everyone else...and maybe even you, only you don't know it yet.

enlightenment. where art thou? or at least something strong enough to stop me from thinking abt it so much.

and yeah...i aint trustin no snake...that i need no enlightening.

I'll be there as soon as i can
but i'm busy mending broken pieces of the life i had before

hmm...wat is it with people who you trust using this aforementioned asset to their advantage and making you feel stupid for trusting them in the first place?

it isnt the first time but yeah...no more trusting that person anymore. sayonara sucker. i'm glad its not bothering me as much as it should. thank u, come again.

and wat is it with me and not being able to do the whole carpe diem thingy.

read it and dont weep, cos its not THAT kinda entry

read it and dont weep, cos its not THAT kinda entry

something i read on a very very dear friends blog bothers me. she mentioned it before fleetingly and although i dont really read her blog, whenever i do i notice some slight comment about me in some entries.

i just feel like i've got to rectify something here.

i'm sorry i havent always been around you guys lately. i've got stuff i do to make my live worth living..stuff that makes me happy. and i can get along fine without meeting u guys cos i know u guys got each other...but that doesnt mean i dont miss u.

still DON'T be bothered about the things i do to myself..cos their my choices and if u know me well enough, u know i know what i'm doing. it irritates me that u may be thinking that i'm running my life to the ground. c'mon, i'm not that pathetic...i know wat i wanna do and i'm having fun. also dont worry about your one-sided enthusiasm..i've juz been really bz.

there...that's all i have to say. and please dun think i'm angry. i juz want to get this off my chest cos it's a little irritating...not much but a little.

i still love you though =)

and noone will know who you are except me... and the guys who are beside me while i'm typing this, but they dont really know you so it's ok. rite?

juz kidding

girlfriend in a coma

girlfriend in a coma

jessica alba is deliciously lickable
and brittanny murphy is super hot
but mickey rourke is plain ugly

still i need to watch sin city. i wont pretend to ever have read the comics before thus qualifying myself as a "fan" cos i never did. the movie looks super good though and i definitely have to watch it. bruce willis kicks ass...cept when he does war movies, his "tough guy outside but sensitive wuss inside" look just dont fit in among the bullets and gory deaths.

and i need to find things to do so i wont end up spending all my off days at the store.

i think i get depressed over things that i normally would not bother with because i have nothing better to do.

maybe the dread of starting the day ironically serves as a reverse motivation that allows me to carry on.

who am i kidding. its because i aint got money to buy me the ciggies that make life worth living.

bleah.

Sing me to sleep

Sing me to sleep

they say life is short. so why do we waste all the time fighting?
i'll tell you why...cos it makes life more interesting. yeah, tell that to those who lose people who matter because of all these sparks that make time pass by faster. like a wound which won't heal more like it.


sometimes i wonder, has my life been savagely and unremorsefully screwed up by yours truly. i have all these thoughts and all these aspirations but when i look back, they are so obviously different from what i saw myself doing maybe 5 years ago. of course back then i was only 15, how much say does a 15 year old have on someone's life? i was a totally different person then. why did i change?

i hate it when people judge me before knowing me. a simple statement like," oh, you don't look like a smoker" sometimes makes me very irritated. i mean is everyone supposed to have mark on their forehead indicating exactly what they do in their free time? we probably could have saved millions if Hitler had a sign saying "pathalogical mass murderer who has a funky moustache" on his forehead rite?

if one thing stays consistent in my life, its how inconsistent my social life is. but never has it mattered so much before and at the same time matter so little. i build up fantasies in my mind which probably only exist in that one form, so because of this, i know when i should just keep them there and slowly weed them out, cos they'll never happen. although i'll probably be a happy camper if they did. but now, we'll never know. and sometimes that's the way it should be.

daydreaming brings you nothing but the future.

i dont want to wake up on my own anymore

it's a pity

it's a pity

serenity.
why did that nite have to end?
along with all the other goodbyes i let go with reluctance

fear.
that all these feelings
were only mine, mine alone

resistance.
to the unfeeling beings i used to lust for
that's all i have to salvage my spirit

eyes.
yours, summed up the wonders of my dreams
and the reality of my only nightmare.

goodbye my beautiful mistake, infatuation for the unwanted.

i feel sorry for you.

You and me, we're meant to be, baby

You and me, we're meant to be, baby

have u ever been caught in one of those moments where everything seemed perfectly ok?

not spectacular nor important...juz ok. you juz catch yourself in those moments only for it to go away the moment you realise it. well i had one of those moments as i got down the bus and took the short but pretty detoxifying walk back to my place. and it feels nice becos this comes after a really horrifying few moments earlier today.

those few moments left me feeling really stupid and angry with myself. it leaves me with a problem which i will probably have trouble settling but at least its doesnt involve another person.

i never thought i could still have fun after that. but i did. it was pretty stupid lah but the guys at sb-th had this really lame but dangerous game involving playing and drinking really really bad espresso shots. it helped me take my mind of the stupid incident earlier and i guess contributed to the moment i had juz now.

anyways the rest of the nite was pretty nice, went back to thomson plaza to return dvds....so sad seeing where sb-tp used to be. i'm a sucker for nostalgia and surely i will bore my friends with wonderful but maybe campy stories about how my 1 year 4 months there bore fruit to maybe some of the best moments of my life so far. i mean the bond we guys had was pretty special and i hope these friendships stay for as long as they can. wat can i say...i strive to be a realist

well back to that moment. let me try to describe it to you without doing it too much injustice.
it was very peaceful, almost like how you'd feel after a really good shower after 3 days at a camp. or the way you feel when u see someone for the first time and you juz know this person is gonna have a profound impact on your life, good or bad.
i know this is pretty extravagant, but i swear for a split second i found myself juz feeling good about my life, and then i caught myself doing it, which was probably my biggest mistake today.

still, at least i have those moments. these details define me. these atypical (or maybe not, depends on who u are) thoughts define me. the next person i fall in love with (whoever she is, whether i know her now or not) will also define me.

pathetic? or are u juz jealous? bet u juz cant be bothered...hey, its cool...everyone is the star of their own life. so if u think abt it we're like supporting characters or even extras in a lot of "movies". we arent that important...but i am, in my mind...juz like u are in yours....we dun matter that much, but that's the way it should be. right?

PS: anyone interested in a Nikon F65? contact me k.

you love me but you don't know who i am

it's all about you

it's all about you

4 friends

One car

and Singapore's highways

road trip!!! haha..ok that summed up my nite, had loads of fun and saw the BKE for the first time in like 10 years...haha (as u can tell i dun live in the west).

ok. forget about all the shit, i'll deal with it slowly but effectively. if there's one thing that irritates me about myself is my interest in alot of hibernate things. hibernate bcos i've always had an interest in them and can see myself pursuing them but i always put them aside for something else that i am interested in. they sometimes hibernate themselves but other things like theatre juz slowly continued and gained steam until i cant see myself being without any without shortchanging myself.

was that sentence convoluted or not clearly understandable? blame it on an absent punctuation mark

one of my interests has always been writing and i used to write a lot. and i tend to read my writings alot too, after a few years, and i'm always cringing at the naivety that once surrounded my feelings. i'm always collecting stories in my head and in print, reading and watching stuff that i am really interested in like the general history of planet earth, because i am fascinated by the stories and people who lived so greatly that they inspired stories etched in stone about them, myths and fables they may be but didnt the saying go if there's curry on your shirt you probably had prata, maybe not prata but murtabak for lunch? what i mean to say is there's no smoke without fire.

still so far nothing has proved worthy enough (in my great self-indulgent mind) for me to actually start. myabe becos my inspiration comes a lot from my own life and my life hasnt lived up to its greatest capabilities...i mean i could be happy in 10 years time, maybe making big bucks and drivin a really nice car or juz living with the people i love and sharing times that bring more smiles than scowls.

so how?

believe it or not, in 2 or 3 years time i'll be reading this very entry and realising that maybe i am being a lil too idealistic for my own good. i'll probli be goin, "20 yr old adib is such a pussy, look how you ended up you mega superstar of the underground techno jiwang scene in batam".

ok ok, that was me being me and writing shit that should be kept in my head and not shared wit people i know but i dun really know, you know what i mean? of course you know, i know you do..hehe. thank u, eat some paint

ugly one

ugly one

insecurity. how else can u explain taking one's words out of context twisting it 36o degrees and adding salt and pepper to it so much so as to allow a person's integrity and reputation be put to the test. it says a lot about one's character when he still has the cheek to pretend tat all is fine and try to lull the unsuspecting victim into a false sense of security while he stabs him in the back literally. well asshole you almost got me but thankfully people know me better than that. you can probably try again and again but the fact remains, as u obsess about getting me out of the picture, people see u for the snake u are and your credibility, whatever's left that is goes down another notch. u should be concentrating on makin urself a better actor and not makin me seem like a 2 faced rat, which coincidentally is ur other part-time job after getting really disgusting diseases due to the fact that hygiene is alien to u.

i'm on to u and u should count urself lucky that u dont matter enough for me to be overly bothered by it. try me again, go on. pimple-faced ratboy. its a matter of time before you get an STD and die.

gone this long

gone this long

i havent lost myself in something for a long time
the thrill and excitement of being so caught up
in something you find yourself actually enjoying, u cant beat that
now i've got no motivation, i've lost all my passion.
i find this really disturbing
and sad.

i love u. whoever u are.

4 walls around me

4 walls around me

its been awhile.
for all of u eagerly anticipating another post from me, which is a long shot but a shot worth shooting, i've been in kl for the past 4 days. wat did i do there? nothing much except sleeping fitfully, spending a lot of money satisfactorily and just experiencing life outside s'pore however not that far kl is. trust me sitting in a car for 4 hours straight is quite a chore, especially if ur driver can only drive to techno music. i swear now i know the full lyrics to blue by reset, yes it was that bad.

anyways rather than regale my not so mainstream adventures to u dear readers (i'll personally tell u wat happened if u ask), i'll tell u abt this show i watched by teater kami last fri.

white baju. a story about life in a woman's prison in a theatrical equivalent of singapore. a motley crue of characters we all know exist but we never think would exist in a prison. the story was ok. it told its story and was enjoyable but not breathtaking. the acting was good. i was particularly impressed with Faezah Rahmat's portrayal of the sarcastic and very witty loner Gem and the never disappointing Dalifah Shahril who played Yayan, drug addict and grateful wife who hooks up with Abang played by Suraini Salam with equal aplomb.

what i gained from it however was the thought of life behind bars. juz one mistake, one wrong move and ur in. it may be ur very first time doing it or u may have been doing it for 20 years like clockwork without being caught. but one mistake and thats it. its like your found dead un a hotel room with s&m stuff lying all around. NOONE will remember you as anything else but a sexual sadist who enjoys weird sex. wat if u were juz trying it out for the first time. what if (ok this is stretching it a bit) someone found u dead and dressed you up in that shit?

isnt it scary that you will forever be branded a convict and judged by anyone who knows your history juz because of one conviction? i mean i'm not gonna differentiate first-timers or regular visitors because i think they are faced with the same problems. and i got no answers about wat we can do about it. i juz want you to think about wat they face. and wat all of us potentially faces if we do juz one crime, and get caught lah. you dun get caught i also dunno mah.

the last line was due to spending four days with an ah beng.

get yourself together

get yourself together

you guys ever had those people in your life that only come to you when they need your help?

i hate those people.

i mean they don't make any effort to really get to know you.
they only think about you when you can get them out of a sticky situation.
they take you for granted and are very fake.

this is the reason i treat my acquaintances as that and my friends as my friends. friends are to me people who you can talk to, hang out with or just smile at without any ulterior motive other than you enjoy knowing that person as a part (however small) of your life. these people are the people whom you can enjoy a decent Q n A session after not seeing each other for so long and you know that they genuinely are interested in how you have been.

the other kind. the ones i really dislike are those whom probably see you as an insignificant part of their life but keep you in mind anyways whenever they need something from you. this is especially true if you are known to be helpful and pretty obliging. they take this kindness as a cue to take advantage and maximise the potential you have for the task they have to complete.

i'm not an overtly friendly guy. in fact i am actually supremely shy when faced with people whom i know very little but known enough to remember them and at least say hi. the reason being i may want to get to know them better or i may have made a fool of myself the first time we met. but mainly, i dont like the idea of being supremely friendly to them when actually i know very little of them. it just seems too fake for my liking. i mean a simple smile is ok, but because i think too much of this, i guess i come off as a little stand-offish. and i've had my fair share of people who i dont talk to in school suddenly being nice and friendly only to find that they had a motive for it. i'm all for helping out if i think its a worthy cause but this hypocrisy, i dont like. i'd rather someone come up to me straight, lay down all the rules and give me a choice -help or not help. thats much more honest and i can help much more sincerely. still its not like i have a lot to offer. so it doesnt happen so often, except when i offer you an insight to my thinking - like it or not, i'm just sharing, you have the choice.

that's why you don't know. we go at nite.
(that's how we're gonna conquer the sun)

barely breathing

barely breathing

problem:
waking up tmr morning is probably impossible.

solution:
don't sleep

method:
post on your blog.

question:
post what?!?

do you guys really want to know what i did today? i mean...do you guys even want to know what i'm doing awake at this ungodly hour? will it make you feel better if i told you every single detail of what my life was like the past 24 hours or the past week? (i woke up at 11 and watched maria full of grace then went to work, then went to watch a rehearsal then had supper, then came home and realised my life sucked...happy?) chances are the answer is no....you're probably reading, waiting for something juicy or scandalous or sex-related to pop up,( i know i do when i read other blogs....i once read a blog about this girl with horrendous english. it was basically talking about her sexual adventures only she juz keeps saying she " goes with the flow" when we know she means she juz had a fuck and was shocked - i didnt know someone with english as bad as hers would even attempt blogging.. in english. it was really bad, but i kept on reading) .

or maybe you think i got interesting things to say.

well for those who want to know, i'm supposed to be doing my cds law project but i havent started. i cant seem to get started. its due tmr at 5. like harold says it: fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
and i juz finished all my fags.
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
well that aint so bad cos i can juz go to 7 eleven. but the law project = fuck

so i decide to forfeit the 25 percent of my grade and blog. why?
probably cos i fagged all my ciggies away and i cant be bothered to go out and buy a new pack. what is it with people and smoking anyways. do you think smokers really believe that smoking doesnt come with its price?

we juz want to do it so let us. i mean i am perfectly ok with people i know, people i care for and who i know cares for me, telling me that smoking isnt good for you (oh really? i thought that was juz a phase). what i dun like is people i DON'T know telling me what i should or should not do. i once had this guy who i can safely say and thankfully profess as an acquaintance in school coming up to me and making small talk. fine. then he went on to ask me what cigarettes i smoked. fine...i tell him. then he says "you really should quit lah dib, those things will kill ya"

erm hello? you my mom ah? if you were, no problemo..you have the divine right to say shit like that....i mean i have to give her credit what...9 months and a really big head...i would be worried too if after all that trouble the small thing with a really big head gave me 19 years and a few months ago, he now decided to fill his lungs with shit and smoke his way to an early grave. but even my mother doesnt say much. the closest thing she says is, "harga rokok dah naik dib...." translation - cigarettes prices are up. in that one sentence, i know enough that my mom loves me...and she knows tat telling me that is enough to make me feel guilty. enough to maybe contemplate quitting...for maybe half an hour? ok lah...until the next day when i'm out of the house.

so how did this the flow come to smoking? i don't know. do you? i bet you don't cos ur probli gonna be reading this once and then leave. or maybe you wont even finish reading it cos its so long. but then again you probably will end up reading it when you come again and realise i havent updated. so no one will know...but if you do tell me k cos i seriously don't have a clue.

i'm juz buying time before the pantomime that leads me to the drink with lime.

a'level results tmr. hope she does ok, really man i'm serious, i even msgd her good luck. then she can fuck off. cos when i hear or read abt the results all i can think of is her. and i havent thought of her for a long time. i'm not bitter, you're probably going "ya rite". but seriously i'm not. there's no point in it. i've coped without her in my life at all and thats cool. previously i've succumbed to every single time i missed being with someone, now i juz want every trace of her to be gone from my life and the a levels are the last thing standing in the way. cos i was with her through the initial stages of it and now its gonna be over and i can push the chapter of me and her a lil deeper. i don't need anyone right now cos i know how its like to be with someone and still be alone. so being alone is probably better than that. still. i hope she does ok. this probably doesnt interest any of you so if ur still reading...typical s'porean - kay poh

the changing mind - friend or foe?

---------------------

--------------

I can't remember the last time that we kissed goodbye
All our "I love you"s were just not enough to survive
Something your eyes never told me
But it's only now too plain to see,
Brilliant disguise when you hold me
And I'm free

I've been thinking and here's what I've come to conclude
Sometimes the distance is more than two people can use
But how could I have known girl
It was time and not space you would need
Darling tonight I could hold you and you would know
But would you believe?

There's a light in your eyes that I used to see
There's a place in your heart where I used to be
Was I wrong to assume that you were waiting for me
There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me

Cards and phone calls and photograph pictures of you
Constant reminder of all the things you get used to
Is there a chance in Hell or Heaven
That there's still something here to build on
Or do you just pick up the pieces after they fall
But after all

Should I keep on waiting or does love keep on fading away

It's been a while since I've seen you so how have you been
Did you get my letter I wrote you that I did not send
I tried to call your old number
But the voice that I heard on the phone
I recognized but she told me the number was wrong

There's a light in my eyes it's too bright to see
And a pain in my heart where you used to be
Guess I was wrong to assume that you were waiting here for me

There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me?



Will you please?

_______

_______

so many things coming to an end

school
starbucks thomson plaza
friendships

i hate this.

fuck...only got 1 thing to look fwd to.
ns.

ha ha ha(staccato laugh) really lookin fwd to that

my life sucks man.

CONT'D

CONT'D

Number 4

Kate Winslet

has he lost it? has adib kosnan gone off the well-trodden route of sanity?

no.

why kate wislet. well i'm talkin about a post-titanic kate winslet. the eternal sunshine of a spotless mind kate winslet. she was magnificent in that. she juz threw herself away and was totally convincing as Clementine, the girl who erased Jim Carrey from her memory and then got herself erased from Jim's memory.

this choice has nothing to do with me finding her hot. i mean she is a lil warm but totally not my kinda taste. i juz feel that if i was to be stuck on a desert island with Nick Hornby already on board, the only thing i can think of is to act ur way thru it. pretend ur someone else, somewhere else for that short period. when u manage to snare someone along with u and make them believe in what ur character believes - the feeling is pretty nice. i'm still a sucker for good characters and solid emoting...i'm still learning.

yeah..so thats why i would take mrs. mendes on with me. a fellow thespian, hahaa. then we can see if who she really is and maybe she'll teach in exchange for a few favours (i do a pretty mean fried rice). i'd take her husband if they come in a package but i think kate's gonna be comin by herself. i'd probably annoy her though with silly questions but its my list on MY desert island. so there. and guys....dun worry the hotties are comin soon...muahahahahahahahahahahaha.








i'm so bored

top 5 desert island, people i'd wouldnt mind being stuck with

top 5 desert island, people i'd wouldnt mind being stuck with
Number 5

Nick Hornby

despite the obvious character flaws (he's an arsenal fan) this guy is the literary equivalent of richard linklater and ben stiller combined. if he insists on supporting the scum of the earth then he can juz shut up and carve his stories on stones around the island or something but i'll still have him there. i've never enjoyed reading a book as much as i've read high fidelity (12 times and counting) and i've read and think his other books are cool too except for Fever Pitch which i refuse to read due to my principles (it's about Arsenal) although the ending is cool (Arsenal lose the championship with the last kick of the game...its sweeter as a former player scored the goal and IT'S TRUE ahhahaha)

actually the making of this list is homage to the book that keeps me company throughout boring bus rides and waiting for people to finish work before hanging out and when i'm fucking bored and start getting depressed about my lack of a life. rob fleming is the anti-hero you will relate to and learn to love...plus he's got great taste in music. like him i've come to accept that life will be shit but at least shit stinks....and if u think there's a comparison that explains my last statement you're wrong! cos its 233 am and i'm fucking high. on life that is...hahahahaha. so there. if you havent read the book then you're just stupid or you're like jermaine pennant (arsenal player...he's illiterate). now you know why i wouldnt mind being on a desert island with mr. hornby. but he's only number 5. can't decide who else so i will stop here...for now.

Me first and the gimme gimme's

Me first and the gimme gimme's

"ME FIRST"

a common affliction among Singaporeans. if they must get something they must get it before anyone else. getting on the half empty bus before the pregnant lady in front of you is a must. so is making sure u get the best grades even if u dunno crap by studying the student guide and doing exactly as what the criteria says. if u dun get an "A" question the lecturer and demand a better grade cos u followed the criteria. it's always "ME"

"THE GIMME GIMME's"

for these people all relationships are about giving. what can they give me? thats the first question in the minds of these people. anything and everything revolves around what they gain no matter what the consequence. also known as "my butt is never on the line syndrome". these kind are only known to give themselves if the giving will give them something i.e sex, publicity - which they also gain from. if they stand to lose something from their actions it will suddenly not be their fault.


in the land known to many as the tiny red dot on the map, Singa - oh so lovely - pura, u are greeted by nice people. these people actually juz want things to be great for themselves but bcos the men in white say we have to be gracious and kind and all that kinda shit so that we conform to the western imperialistic views that all asians are yellow-skinned have slit eyes and will serve u on a whim, they will go out on a limb to make sure anyone who does not look local, correction - who looks like he comes from the land of the colonial lords or the only existing "superpower"or any european state, gets served first whilst anyone else gets treated like crap especially if u form only 15 % of the population.

it doesnt get any better when u are confronted with people who treat u like 17th century slaves in Missisipi (if thats how u spell the fucking thing) when you work in the service line and expect u to be happy with it. fuck you...juz bcos u go to fancy restaurants and hook up with loose young pussies who dread the sex but love the money too much, dun mean u got anything...it juz means ur too ugly to have a real life u soulless rat of a makhluk.


in this pretty state...the saying, "Those who can't do...teach" really runs through. i have another saying. "Those who dun know what the fuck they are talking about and find themselves out of depth in the industry can also teach". this again boils down to the "me first" syndrome. you want to make a name for yourself so you use those with no choices to fulfill ur goal. along the way the ball-lickers earn ur trust despite the fact that they dunno how to do shit and the cycle goes on. these ball-lickers end up going out to work, cant take the heat, end up teaching shit to the next generation of the hopeless and develop a new generation of scrotum-scrubbers.

the me first generation. the generation our country's future depends on. the people up there wont be complaining...they were the pioneers of this style of living. everything for urself. the world doesnt revolve around the sun. thats a practical joke ur teachers in sch played on u. u are the reason everybody else is put on this lousy world for.

SO DON'T:

• bother turning up for that group meeting cos he's gonna do it himself anyway.
• bother telling him why the fuck u told him to fuck off and fucking treat him like shit because you were fucking depressed <--if YOU are depressed its ok to take things out on other people or even when u're not...cos u are the sun remember.
• bother at all about anything

i mean thats the way it should be rite? i scratch ur back, u chill out. when i'm itchy u go find someone else to scratch ur back. when u feel the sudden need to be pious u throw him out in search of an ustaz boyfriend. when u need help, thats when he matters. being a complete asshole is cool...if its for ur benefit. but at the same time u muz make it look like the total opposite.

i mean u cant have anyone think u are a self-centred, selfish, greedy, me first and a gimme gimme rite? cos its bad for YOUR image. rite?

Cue the trumpet

Cue the trumpet

Hold me close and hold me tight
The magic spell you cast
This is la vie en rose

When you kiss me heaven sighs
And though I close my eyes
I see La vie en rose

When you press me to your heart
I'm in a world apart
A world where roses bloom
And when you speak, angels sing from above
Everyday words seem to turn into love songs
Give your heart and soul to me
And life will always be La vie en rose

life in pink...sounds so appealing

la la la la la la la
lala la la lala
la la la la la lala

On a more personal note

On a more personal note

you cant force someone to do something they dont like. like how u cant get anyone to fall in love with you or get someone to give u a million dollars willingly in exchange for nothing. you also cant force a friend from drifting away if he wants to.

i've always been a drifter in my younger days especially in school. i never stuck to one group but i could always get along with people pretty much . the friendships i formed back then were cool. i still meet up with the people from my past albeitly very very sparingly but i still have fond memories of them. its just that these wont be the people i call the moment i feel like chilling out and stuff like that. maybe to an extent i never really fit in. my thoughts were rarely in sync with them so while we got along well superficially it never went deeper.

meeting the people from dpa and tk. that changed everything. i realised that these were people i relate to. we shared the same passion (some stronger than others) and we spoke the same language. i've met some really cool people through here and some i consider my closest friends now.

poly. i got along fine with most. (i'm almost like switzerland that way). some very interesting and intriguing characters entered my life and i made a few close buddies. some have drifted apart these 3 years. some by my choice, others i dont have a clue. but i'll remember them no less. is some ways..these have been the worst and the best years in my life...the people i shared them with got to count for something rite?

why am i writing this. these past few weeks i've been thinking about friendship a lot. have i been a good enough friend? its kinda sad when a friend u consider to be closer to u than ur own brother starts drifting away and you dont know the reason. i'd probabli feel relieved if it was actually cos of something i did and for all i know (or rather don't) it jolly well could be...but as it is i'm clueless and i dunno wat to do. a profound sense of loss and regret. thats what i felt. still, u can try all u want but.....

u cant force anyone to do anything.



unless u have a really big gun or a really big gun.

i aint got no crystal ball...
if i had a million dollars i'd
i'd spend it all.

itu singa agaknya....

itu singa agaknya....

Woman hospitalised by tiger painting

A Chinese pensioner had to be taken to hospital after she mistook a painting of a tiger for the real thing.

The woman, in her 70s, spotted the 'tiger' in a dark alleyway after shopping at a nearby supermarket.

According to Shanghai Evening Post, she screamed, turned and ran after seeing a 'tiger' coming at her.

But the woman, who the paper named as Mrs Wang, slipped on ice and fell heavily.

Passersby rushed to Mrs Wang's aid to find her nervously stammering: "Tiger, tiger, there's a tiger" and pointing down the alleyway.
But the tiger turned out to be a painting hung in a calligraphy and painting shop window.

To draw business, the shop owner had put a light behind the paint to create a lifelike impression.

See what happens when u believe everything you see. Bodoh, bodoh tapi kesian eh. Well blind faith in the surface is a very dangerous thing. What do i mean? I mean if u take everything at face value, believe in everything someone says or judge a person by his/her outlook ur bound to get burned..or in the case of Mrs. Wang, bummed. Well she may be damn old but blind-faith-in-surface syndrome is something that afflicts almost everyone at one point or another. Everyone's been guilty of indulging in the odd rumour or two. And for every genuine good person out there, there's bound to be that insecure prick who revels in spreading defamatory stories abt someone else just to soothe their insecurities. But hey, life's like that rite? U got to deal wit the good and the bad. I dun care anymore lah...think what u want to think of me. I'm happy with my Winston in one hand and a good dvd playin on my small 21" tv....lalalalelelelilili. that's all for today. thank you. come again.
(hehehe just bought meself the harold & kumar dvd...so very the happy)

lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala

ode to the insomniac

ode to the insomniac

tired....eyes barely open.
but still awake
waiting for the moment
yearning for excitement

looking forward to the unknown
things were never meant to be this way
but c'est la vie
unpredictability...what keeps me from decay

where am i going?
not for me to decide...
the seeds are for my sowing
but the rest is up to him

perfect i'm not
but that i realise
noone is...never will be

acceptance is the key
acceptance without compromise

dont get me wrong, i mean
we should all give and take
but not when it involves our principles
or eating cake

with that i end
hoping this gives me something i need
no, not the mocha ice blend
but something real deep
i need to get some sleep


-------
apologies to all.

isn't she lovely

isn't she lovely

ok. two days ago i was sitting at home, after whole day of getting over the dnd at disney (will post pics soon) and i caught pretty woman. a nice movie, not one of my ultimate faves but certainly watchable. i particularly like the opening shot of a pre-fame julia roberts...she looks so real in this movie. very very good writing, testament to its evergreeness that we can still watch it today without finding it cliched. none of the "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy asking him to love her" -like diabetically sweet ott statements.

richard gere was probably damn happy to get that part. after american giggolo, which i thought was damn cool, i'm too young to remember any other movies in between pretty woman too really form a bigger impression of him. in PW he is the good-looking rich playboy who yearns for love but prefers to spend time in the boardroom dismantling companies than time in the nursery picking out colours for the baby's comforter. in short a commitment phobe although being a hollywood movie, "he just hadnt found the right one" is the mantra of the flick. i mean admitting that richard gere was just like all the rest of us guys would surely mean box-office bomb. key words in this paragraph are in italics or made bold

i like richard gere. i liked him best in internal affairs where he plays a crooked cop(its this movie that infernal affairs was supposed to be based on which is ironic that martin scorcese is making another movie based on the hongkong trilogy...full circle indeed). he has this devil may care kinda of vibe going for him. but he wasnt really acting in this. all he does is throw a glance or two with his squinty eyes and throw a wad or two of cash and get miss roberts a whole new wardrobe. yet this was probably one of his best remembered movies.

its a waste. i mean i know the movie's more like a julia roberts vehicle but she was a newbie then man. gere's star was on the rise. i mean i don't doubt the man is talented, he was cool in "Chicago" but a tad one dimensional he may be.

but thats life aint it. pierce brosnan (my 2nd fave bond...ok maybe 3rd...roger moore's bond was funnier), andy garcia, harrison ford...all these guys have a few things in common...they can act but they are devilishly good-looking in a rougish kind of way. i respect them all in certain respects but they would never be where they are today if they looked like anyone else. someone like tom hanks though is really an exception. he practically carved out his own market. the average looking leading man.

u cant blame anyone for being good looking. you cant blame yourself for wanting to see good stuff. thats why i sometimes feel a little bemused when people say looks dont matter. it does man. haha...it always has and always will. its those people who accept that fact but realise that they prefer something more in the spiritual or personality department who's got things right.
its really up to those who got it to flaunt it the way they want it. people lacking in that have to develop some other skill and use that to their advantage. for some its a blessing to be ugly cos they develop a sharper wit or a glibber(is there such a word?) tongue or they learn to accept their fate and move on to bigger better or maybe suckier things.

still...when it comes to tv and movies - superficiality is the soup of the day. we've been slurping it for years before and its gonna be that way in years to come with baskets of bread accompanying it. so all that crap about the inner beauty being more important, throw it out of the window and tune in to the idiot box for an hour or two. when ur done, climb out the window and wear that crap back on your head. i bet you for most the craps still out there somewhere lost with the new years resolutions of old...i know i know, its too dangerous rite, climbing's for monkeys. i'm no different, cheryl tweedy u rock my boat.

you make me wanna leave the one i'm with
and start a new relationship with you
this is what you do.....

the one who laughs last, laughs the first laugh last...

the one who laughs last, laughs the first laugh last...

City of Pewaukee - A 70-year-old Wauwatosa man tried to blame a car accident on a fictitious friend after his car left eastbound Highway 16 near I-94, rolled over and wound up down a hill in a ditch between 300 and 400 feet from the road.

wouldnt it be cool if u could blame every mistake u've ever made on someone else?

-i'm a neurotic social retard because my dad didnt buy me the old ghostbuster's figures that i needed for my healthy progression into late childhood.

-or i have the urge to pinch women i dont know on the streets because i was never hugged as a child.

it seems that all problems tend to be the result of someone else's mistake than our own. i mean maybe the two scenario's i laid before you can really be attributed to the reasons they offer ( i can really feel the pain the kid in the first example felt) but what about everything else? what or who do u blame if you turn out to be a complete jack-ass with an ego the size of kuala lumpur, someone who cannot admit for one moment that someone else knows more about something than he does. or who do u blame for turning out to be a compulsive nice guy who lets everyone walk on him?

i mean i've always respected people who above all can accept that they made a mistake. i think its the basis of any relationship ( although its always easier to do so in a proffesional rather than personal setting) . but i think its also human nature to want to deflect any blame from themselves no matter how miniscule the subject at hand may be. i know someone who insisted that he knew his music but didnt know that destiny's child started as a foursome. i mean i'm not really a fan but when i mentioned his mistake, he flew into a mini-rage of insistance. chill out man...i dont wanna be right if it means so much to u. although i think ur stupid for thinking u know more than u do but thats besides the point

pride is only as good as ur integrity

ok. i know it may seem like i'm preaching a whole lot but believe me i try my best to be this way. cos even if i get my point across, if it is the wrong point and i know it i wont ever have the satisfaction. i rather admit it and hopefully learn more from it. i should be sleeping or at least studying now. got a paper tmr. but here i am writing all this. i blame my dad.

c'mere lemme touch on you, i let you touch on me
put my tongue on you, you put your tongue on me
lemme ride on you can you can ride on me
we can do it all night....

was it something i said?

was it something i said?

ok. its almost 4. i'm still awake despite watching two movies. TWO!! and u know why? well i do and if u buckle down and read this entry i'll tell u why. i cant sleep because i drank two shots of espresso straight up like u would a tequila shot. i like my coffee....thats why i dun drink it all the time but i had to juz now. why? i'm getting to it.....bcos anisa was late. anisa..my colleague at sb-tp. well she's always late lah so today we at the store had a lil betting game. how many mins will dear old anisa be late by. well the ever so wise adib kosnan predicted 10 mins...placing undivided faith in his knowledge of his dear friend. and guess wat...she came at 1 min past the 10 mins....meaning i lost and so i had to drink the shots and so i'm here explaining to u why i'm here at 4 am in the morning.

ok. so with not being able to sleep, and the 11 am alarm i set myself for tmr seemingly impossible to adhere too, at times like this u dun want a job, i began that painful process call thinking. life is like a football match. u got a bunch of guys running after one ball all around the pitch of unpredictability and when the team gets a shooting opportunity, the forward kicks air and fall flat on his face. if the forward was me....he'd make contact with the ball sending it 500 metres wide of goal and then fall flat on his face.

serious shit man. sometimes i dun even know why i try. girls are extremely imcomprehensiveably ununderstandable. (if u havent figured out that this entry was abt girls than obviously u are of the so called "Fairer" sex...so u use whitening lotion, big deal - that was so lame its scary....)

say i like a girl and she likes me. of course she will never act like she feels because she aint sure if this guy is worth liking more than she already likes him. thus is born the whole "jual mahal" process....where the girl plays hard to get. but get this....what if the two of u shared one fantastic conversation spanning 5 hours, this during ur very first conversation. do u play hard to get after that? well u could argue that i'm a downright goblok for not making the next move. but how can u move when all ur moves are shot down. ok that was an isolated incident which i happen to be a lil perplexed about but hey it was juz one of the many wrong moves adib kosnan has made in his love life.

it would be fun if everything was as simple as the movies rite? u meet a french girl on a train...spend the night with her talking about all the stuff u've always thought about but never shared with anyone, walk thru vienna, chill out and end up having sex and falling in love (not necessarily in that order) then say goodbye in the morning promising to meet in 6 months time. well 'before sunset' was a nice thought ( and a fucking great movie*ethan hawke before all the gattaca shit ) but i have a feeling thats all its gonna be...a nice thought.

ok. so i'm only 19, 20 later this july. but the closest i've had to any connection like that is with a dear friend who i'll never seriously consider starting a relationship with and ditto on her part (she likes girls). my only gf...the only one i've been out more than a week with (try a year and 3 heartbreaking months) was someone i'd been chasing (lusting) after for 4 whole years. since the short-pants era of lower secondary life. and i realised pretty much that i couldnt be myself around her...i built this whole other persona and i could not share with her in a way that i want to. blame it on youthful exuberance or the fact that she was a freaking babe and i just wanted to be with her.

i guess i'm past playing around. i mean i still wanna play but i dun wanna play bad enough to go out and actually engage in the games...although sometimes all i can talk about is playing...but its not the playing thats the point..its the talking about the playing...get it? no? tsk tsk girls! u know wat i mean. i juz want someone who i can have a nice argument with...totally relative to the fact that we complement each other and do stupid things that ur only allowed to do once and with one person only. but i guess i am my greatest enemy.

cos when i find someone who resembles all this...even vaguely, i panic and i act stupid and i scare them off with the desperate vibe u get from a loser. i call it the ben stiller syndrome. cos i like the guy and i think his movies are based on my life even though they have a strongly worded disclaimer on most movies that denies me from claiming the royalties i so richly deserve. this movie is based on fictitious events and any similarities to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental.... i'm mr furious from mystery men ok. ok back to the topic. yeah...i scare them off...and regretfully i think i've let some really cool ppl slip away, not too mention some not so cool but oh so hot babes, ok not really lah. (hell yeah i did)<--guys.

so here i am....baring myself to u guys in a caffeine-laden and probably ill-advised entry. ladies....gentlemen, this is me and all thoughts on this matter are welcome. why? cos my tag-board is embarrasingly bare and i wanna know who's been reading this blessed excuse for a blog. help will ya? please? dun make me get on my knees....pretty please?

dun wake me
i plan on sleeping in