Ooh baby i love your way

Ooh baby i love your way



the pretty one with half of me...believe me the pic is better this way =)



On the 15th of January 2005 i wrote this in a blog entry.

"i juz want someone who i can have a nice argument with...totally relative to the fact that we complement each other and do stupid things that ur only allowed to do once and with one person only."

the person i was talkin abt...although i didnt know it at the time is now in dubai. living a pretty exciting life flying all over the world (except the US cos she hasnt made her visa yet...hmph).

i was readin thru my old blog entries and i wonder why i havent written as much since i met her. well in the space of a year...she became what my blog was.. i.e the place i let all my thoughts filter thru. a secondary part of me that helps me get to grips with life in general and not go beserk and kill someone. so i never needed to write here like i used to cos i channeled everything to her...and since she left, i juz couldnt bring myself to start writing again cos it meant revisiting the past...a past without her.

so baby...thats why i havent written here in a long long time, but this entry is for you

since she left for dubai...there's been a void here that kinda gets filled everytime i talk to her online and see her on the webcam. but since she left, its been pretty boring...and yeah..sad too.

so she came back last week...she bought her way here cos she had a flight in jakarta. and man...did i need this boost.

everything was exactly as i remembered it...the enthusiastic stories, the way she reacts when i say something nice then spoil it with somethin sarcastic..which i only do to incite the said reaction, the window shopping at supermarkets, the late night walks and just talkin abt people, the past, the future all the while savouring the moment. it was nice. very very nice.

so now she's back in dubai. but its only 7 weeks till she's back here and boy i can't hardly wait. its been hard but i always think about how hard it is for her...being away from her family, friends....being away from a life she's been living for the past 21 years.

i am only part of her life....a big part i'd like to think but i'm always realistic. things are good now...and i'm happy even though she's so far away...but i'm laying this down here and now. i don't think anyone has ever had such a positive impact on me before. i've always been cynical of life and people in general and while she has proven herself to be only human, she has also shown me how truly good a person can be and how much i can truly be loved by one other than my own family. i can only hope that the future holds plans for us both, together ...but i am more than happy to live in the now...taking it day by day like we always have =)

so let's beckon nov 5th...its gonna be tough not spending raya here but stay strong and you'll be rewarded with a very very happy boyfriend who'll pander to all you whimsical food cravings cos he's fat and likes to eat.

thank you sheereen isfahani fahmy

i juz wanna sleep. i dont care if i ever wake up.

HUA!!!

HUA!!!

so there...fast fwd 4 weeks later.

sheereen's in dubai.
i'm in MRF ...
and life goes on.

i'm gonna miss CMC ...definitely gonna miss her. but things are pretty ok with the unit lah...its tough physically...compared to the 10 weeks of canteen breaks at CMC but i like the potential camaraderie tat might come out of this.

i juz booked out after 7 days in camp..and tmr i'm back in. i'm tired but at least this is keeping me occupied...so i don't think of her so much.

anyways for those wondering how sheen is doing...i'm happy to report she's pretty good over there. her apartments pretty nice and she seems to be enjoying the company and lessons.

thats all for now lah. i'm sleepy...and i juz wanna sleep now. bye.

moving along

moving along

the frustrating thing abt life right now is the lack of time.
other than that i am actually enjoying ns...let's see if this survives the transition to unit life though.

i booked out just now...at around 6pm. i've got 3 days (plus one this weekend cos of may day) to run all my errands...spend time with the girl who's goin off in a month (i seriously dunno how i'm gonna survive without her selengeness when she's gone)...stay home a lil so my mom still remembers how i look like...read the books i bring back from camp(although i usually only attempt to)....and then try to fit in time for friends whom i havent seen in awhile.

i guess i feel guilty for always rejecting invitations to chill and hang out...and to people like johnny who never tires of asking me to minum teh...i am very sorry for the constant turn downs bro.

hopefully when i do go to unit ...i'll have more time. i'm looking forward to ending life as a trainee ...but of course with that comes the inevitable goodbyes to friends...whose company i've enjoyed more in 5 weeks than i did at apache in 15...where half the platoon were people i dreaded spending even a day with.


4 more weeks before i hopefully pass out as a combat medic.
4 more weeks before sheereen goes to dubai.
4 more weeks before my real life begins.

4 more weeks....damn

living in a box

living in a box

people all around you
life's is all about the people all around you

and the people around me are the people who make me who i am

those i've known from before..those living in the present with me..those i'll meet tmr and the next day

i've written a lot of things in this blog. some things dont make sense. some turn out sounding really mean. and some written out of anger and frustration. but all of them came from me.

all of them were influenced by all the people around me.

i guess i could never have kept this as a daily diary...jotting down every single mundane thing that i only found interesting because it happened to me. i'm sure we've all read and heckled the "interesting" lives of these serial bloggers whose quantity matters much..much..much more than quality. i guess despite my insistance of not wanting to let anybody in...the way i've written this blog has allowed most of you who read...or read(past tense...seeing how i havent been writing) this thing to get close enough to me without getting too comfortable.

i guess i'm tired ...too tired to rant anymore ...too tired to say things that i feel is right at that particular pt of time....becos when you finally come back to it..you realise how unnecessary some things are.

and tonight...i mean...this morning...on this morning that i'm writing all this...i feel like i've reached a juncture in life where things are just poised for action...all i want to do is pull the trigger and get the race started but i guess patience is the prudent choice. bmt is over...i'm now at nee soon camp goin thru a 10 week combat medic course...my girlfriend is gonna fly off to a country in the gulf...getting a chance to live her dream and at the same time giving us or rather forcing upon us an opportunity to test our relationship. i'm missing a lot of friends, gaining a few more along the way...and i'm getting to know a lil more abt myself as i go thru the interesting, regimental and sometimes seemingly pointless rituals of national service. i appreciate home more but i still cant force myself to stay home too long on the weekends. and i miss writing stuff here...like i used to. although i doubt i can ever go back to writing like i did...cos i've learnt that saying exactly what is on your mind is actually only a process of neutralizing common sense for that extended period.

so there....this is what i've been up to these past few months. thanks for dropping by.

and so it is

and so it is

stupid...stupid waste of time.
stupid waste of time doing absolutely nothing.
am i just wasting more time dwelling on the stupidity of the time wasted?

maybe

but i cant help it cos all i feel is this stupidity engulfing me...making things unbearably irritating

oh well...noone can possibly begin to emphatize with me
and so...i'll juz go back to the nothingness that promised so much

henfenk-pop-fuck

henfenk-pop-fuck

think of all the things that are worth thinking of.
banish the fears that dwell in your heart.

but never will u know.

for innocence
innocence ceases to prevail
innocence that exists only in projection
innocence in trust for the undeserving

and how about me?
the question that lays unanswered as u wonder why

its them who matters in the manner of nothing that matters.
at least to u.

cos frankly my dear...i dont give a fuck abt them
saccharine words of devotion
poetic simplicity is so.
the truth is suffice

and all i want to do is die.

dib - 190206 1337hrs

i see your face

i see your face

everything's small on the ground below.
what if i fall, then where would i go? would she know?

she is the one.

Happy birthday sheen!

Happy birthday sheen!


See that girl up there? She's the reason i've been enjoying myself so much these past 4 months.

Today she turns 21. With this coming of age...i really really hope she gets what she's always wanted...and that she waits til i turn 21 to watch R(A) movies.

so...happy 21st birthday Sheereen Isfahani Fahmy. i'm hoping that you'll get the ultimate birthday present selenge...love u =)

sleeping in..finally!

sleeping in..finally!

its the new year.

2005 was eventful to say the least. and as i reflect i realise how much of it will be defined for me by the last 4 months of it.

its been a year of disappointments...sad partings...and unexpected surprises.

finally leaving school, finding her, feeling disillusioned with theatre for the first time, losing the chance after really looking forward to work with 3 friends, leaving starbucks, losing my civilian status, watching the said 3 friends going through an experience they'll cherish for a long time and feeling like crap cos you wanted so bad to be part of that.....stuff like that.

i guess this year has made me re-assess many relationships, some for the better and a select few people i just feel i'm better off without.

i found myself to be in a rut. all my plans and aspirations never really pushed me anymore because i knew eventually i'd have to put it on hold.

i'm still putting it on hold..but at least now i know every day gone means i'm a day closer to getting my life back on track.

and i guess i couldnt have started 2006 on a better note. yesterday was great. having the HMKT peeps over was fun too. but i am so not looking forward to another week of tekong. but hey..tough times don't last, tough men do. right apache platoon 2?

back to showering amongst tthe hairy-butts of my bunk-mates tmr. tonight i sleep well.