well if you wanted honesty

well if you wanted honesty

keeping myself busy keeps me on my toes.
it makes me aware of things around me and helps develop me as an individual who will strive for greater heights of success and happiness.
it also means i have no life.

the second sentence was borne out of me missing out on the thing that keeps me going.
chilling out!!!

its been almost two weeks since i've enjoyed an hour or two,three,ten, of hanging out with my favourite collection of people.

for all those who scorn at us, the future of our nation (*or at least someone with as much potential as me..haha), wasting our precious time away let me tell you something mister. this place is fucked anyways so its totally pointless. anyways i'd rather listen to some of my friends spout out intelligent crap than spend another day at ANY school...unless of course the uniforms are nice, on the girls.

and i realise, i'm long winded aren't i...don't u think so? cos i think i tend to go on and on about my point even though i've established it very early on. i'm not even bothered by this but still i continue talking about it. if that isn't long winded i don't know what is.

i'm bored.

* i'm only joking, but if you want to go on and judge anyway let it be stated that i think your head is too big, and you're just ugly

i like to move it

i like to move it

it seems to be the recurring trend for me to have spent an enormous amount of time at home and then cap it off by posting right here.

it feels nice to reconnect with people. especially someone who used to be so close to u. but isnt it sad that u disconnected in the first place ?

fickle my mind is. but one thing's for sure....my love for the one thing i believed in will not waiver despite the entrance of a seductively annoying 3rd party.

solskjaer..where u man?

and yes...sleeping at home for the whole duration of the weekend(almost) can make u think of very very absurd things.

too bad u werent there babe...we could have a whole load of that thing called fun. but no, u wanted to work. stoooopid. =)

tired.
so very tired.

i want to leave it all behind, i want to start something new.


haunting, very. all the nightmares just seem to keep replaying over and over. the same scenarios just repeating themselves again and again. the characters change but they still make me feel the same way. and the ones who don't, i cannot seem to accept.

why? i think because i like inflicting pain on myself. i can go on and on about the crap that it makes me feel alive but i guess its just a familiar feeling i hold on to.

i miss my lepak buddies.

i miss my money.

i still can't stop thinking of you.

till i find somebody.

she said don't

she said don't

today was unnatural. supremely. i did not step out of the house at all.
it feels weird but i guess it was nice to rest. plus it was my younger bro's bday.
the three of us spent the day watching tv, playing the ps2 and juz chilling cos my parents were in jb or something.

i feel an odd affinity to one of my cats, Duke. He's like the stupidest, and i say it in the nicest way possible, of my 3 cats but he's my fave. he sits in really vulgar positions, rarely utters a sound and when something falls, he'll be the first to jump. why i feel so affiliated? maybe cos he has this aura of loneliness but whenever he's around my other 2 pussies, he's very very affectionate. he could be called the posh one if looks tell the whole story but despite the regality of his appearance, he's more like garfield. and when my parents got home he tried to jump into the boot. c'mon man...he's juz cool. i think he's the only one in our family who actually likes the car. he spends like nights on the bonnet juz looking at our street like some upmarket security guard. he'd probably run in if someone just as much walks towards him.

i'm lost. i see tonight as the last match of the man utd i know, the future looks very different. in no means is it definitely going to be bad but it wont be the same. haiz...americans.

how did it come to this?

the colder water

the colder water

waking up happy
passing a day, despite its length, without any notice.
just the sound of the phone ringing or vulgarly vibrating soothes the lonely,eager soul... savouring each word, ingesting the tones of her voice...each vowel to last a minute.

you quiver at the thought of loss
sleepless, waiting for the next moment you share her smell, her touch, her breath.
everything else is secondary....you lose touch of reality albeit for awhile
you lose yourself in what you think is love.

what is love? (think nite at the roxbury.. ;P)
romancing? sharing? touching?
an idea of living prescribed by those who seem to have it all.
its absence drives some to end their pathetic existence.
brings others to forsake their own blood.

what is love?
something relative
to the degree of naivety you hold.
for most its just abt losing their virginity to the asshole who first proclaims it.
with people like that you cant really blame the cynics.
but then again in the words of the ones who really know their stuff,

"love will keep us alive"

i guess i've been living on cigarettes then...cos i'm still kicking despite that, more than most in love. so the eagles are human after all eh.

withdrawal of ?

withdrawal of ?

sometimes i wonder why my mood swings choose to swing like they do.
its a natural defect, a broken seal, an expired canned food.

why i get so caught up in something, then totally be down about it and then find something to get caught up in again.

nobody i know understands this enough to actually realise that its the way i am, not an excuse for anything else. and its ok cos this way i remain objective about a lot of things. it doesnt bother me per se. and this entry probably only has a significance right now as i'm writing it, cos i'll probably wake up forgetting everything about how i felt 0229 hrs on the 9th of May 2005.

and i wonder do you read this? i'm referring to you the one i feel drawn to despite knowing almost nothing about.

i'm such a pussy...but hey pussies do have fun.
ok, thats like almost a myth in a sentence.
orgasms in the vaginal form = very much debatable right rob?

tmr = opening=20 fucking dollars if i wake up late

me=20 fucking dollars poorer

Yeah Yeah Yeah

Yeah Yeah Yeah

good news
i got another freelance run at disney.
~money come in...more cigarettes ravage my sick body and more going out with girls i dont really like but cos they seem to like me i like them for awhile while i pine for someone more interesting.

WOOO HOOO!!!

sorry if this is gloating but i feel the need to gloat (if you can call that miniscule outpouring of emotion gloating).
anyways its not like anyone reads this barely intelligible excuse of a forum for the spelling challenged yours truly.

and on another note i am going to forget everything thats been going on my mind the last few weeks. after talking to mr. fiscotti i think he's right. no point starting to pursue something which is pointless (haha) and which is probably only existent in my self-indulgent/overconfident but only sometimes mind. so no more.

and what is it with people who blow me away with how they think. someone shoot me with a intellectually charged arrow of wit cos i want some of that action.

i can't take my eyes off of you
blower's daughter u...what else do u blow?

you could be my unintended choice
to live my life extended
you could be the one i'll always love

you could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
you could be the one i'll always love

i'll be there as soon as i can
but i'm busy
mending broken
pieces of the life i had before

first there was the one who challenged
all my dreams and all my balance
she could never be as good as you

you could be my unintended choice
to live my life extended
you should be the one i'll always love

i'll be there as soon as i can
but i'm busy mending broken
pieces of the life i had before

muse - unintended

she's in fashion

she's in fashion

school uniforms...the bane of any 7-16 year old give or take 2-3 years.

the socialist effort to bring the youth to conform has probably given rise to more problems than the men in white realise.

1) bad fashion.
in an effort to rebel without a worthy cause, we see the "kental button up all the way to the collar" look in an effort to be different and follow the lead of aimless trends which these teens have neither the intellect or the poise to carry off. also the skirt above the belly button look which young minahs like to adopt to give us a view of their crabbed and skinny brown legs. and have you ever seen the small tie look...pathetic. the need to be individualistic outweighs the basic sense to look normal. secondary school is probably the real formative years of one's life...bad fashion defines a person from here onwards. the ah beng and mat invasion <- blame it on secondary school uniforms.

2) social problems.
kids will pester their poor parents to get them cooler bags...nicer shoes. all again in an effort to be different. oh wait...everyone's got one so i gotta get one. nah..i was wrong here they juz expanded their repertoire by making everyone conform AND turn into materialistic drones. plus hours of arguments between parent and child. many a closely knit families have been torn apart by this evil, school uniforms.

3) s'pores ageing population.
a man's sexual peak is somewhere near him leaving tertiary education in s'pore. but after 10 odd years of seeing similarly aged girls in s'pores atrocious uniforms some turn gay. i mean have you ever seen some of these uniforms? they look bad and make the girls sometimes look worse. and have u ever been in a bus full of secondary school kids? the smell i tell u..not good. this probably turns both sexes away from each other as our school uniforms have a weird ability to retain sweat and make it even more disgusting. but then again for all the ugly girl uniforms, you get the wet dream of many a young singaporean teen..the IJ girls and that school in woodlands with the sailor moon uniforms..geek girly heaven...so it aint that bad. the smell stays the same though.

4) catholic high school's uniform.
15/16 year old boys in shorts every single school day. its just wrong.

and that my friends sums up the real reason why i went to poly.

although jc uniforms arent that bad.....damn.

this is not an exit

this is not an exit

keeping things inside sucks. they rot and eat away at you and make you feel quesy, angry and emotional at the same time, yes i know anger is also an emotion, so sue me for being repetitive.

but wat if you kept something inside long ago and dealt with it, thought you dealt with it. only for it to be opened up by something significant but you did not foresee making any difference, making you feel a rush of mixed emotions that's been hidden and bottled up because you thought you dealt with it. convoluted. i know.

you know wat you have to do. but you dread the consequences for yourself bcos you know keeping it inside makes things better for everyone else...and maybe even you, only you don't know it yet.

enlightenment. where art thou? or at least something strong enough to stop me from thinking abt it so much.

and yeah...i aint trustin no snake...that i need no enlightening.

I'll be there as soon as i can
but i'm busy mending broken pieces of the life i had before

hmm...wat is it with people who you trust using this aforementioned asset to their advantage and making you feel stupid for trusting them in the first place?

it isnt the first time but yeah...no more trusting that person anymore. sayonara sucker. i'm glad its not bothering me as much as it should. thank u, come again.

and wat is it with me and not being able to do the whole carpe diem thingy.

read it and dont weep, cos its not THAT kinda entry

read it and dont weep, cos its not THAT kinda entry

something i read on a very very dear friends blog bothers me. she mentioned it before fleetingly and although i dont really read her blog, whenever i do i notice some slight comment about me in some entries.

i just feel like i've got to rectify something here.

i'm sorry i havent always been around you guys lately. i've got stuff i do to make my live worth living..stuff that makes me happy. and i can get along fine without meeting u guys cos i know u guys got each other...but that doesnt mean i dont miss u.

still DON'T be bothered about the things i do to myself..cos their my choices and if u know me well enough, u know i know what i'm doing. it irritates me that u may be thinking that i'm running my life to the ground. c'mon, i'm not that pathetic...i know wat i wanna do and i'm having fun. also dont worry about your one-sided enthusiasm..i've juz been really bz.

there...that's all i have to say. and please dun think i'm angry. i juz want to get this off my chest cos it's a little irritating...not much but a little.

i still love you though =)

and noone will know who you are except me... and the guys who are beside me while i'm typing this, but they dont really know you so it's ok. rite?

juz kidding

girlfriend in a coma

girlfriend in a coma

jessica alba is deliciously lickable
and brittanny murphy is super hot
but mickey rourke is plain ugly

still i need to watch sin city. i wont pretend to ever have read the comics before thus qualifying myself as a "fan" cos i never did. the movie looks super good though and i definitely have to watch it. bruce willis kicks ass...cept when he does war movies, his "tough guy outside but sensitive wuss inside" look just dont fit in among the bullets and gory deaths.

and i need to find things to do so i wont end up spending all my off days at the store.

i think i get depressed over things that i normally would not bother with because i have nothing better to do.

maybe the dread of starting the day ironically serves as a reverse motivation that allows me to carry on.

who am i kidding. its because i aint got money to buy me the ciggies that make life worth living.

bleah.

Sing me to sleep

Sing me to sleep

they say life is short. so why do we waste all the time fighting?
i'll tell you why...cos it makes life more interesting. yeah, tell that to those who lose people who matter because of all these sparks that make time pass by faster. like a wound which won't heal more like it.


sometimes i wonder, has my life been savagely and unremorsefully screwed up by yours truly. i have all these thoughts and all these aspirations but when i look back, they are so obviously different from what i saw myself doing maybe 5 years ago. of course back then i was only 15, how much say does a 15 year old have on someone's life? i was a totally different person then. why did i change?

i hate it when people judge me before knowing me. a simple statement like," oh, you don't look like a smoker" sometimes makes me very irritated. i mean is everyone supposed to have mark on their forehead indicating exactly what they do in their free time? we probably could have saved millions if Hitler had a sign saying "pathalogical mass murderer who has a funky moustache" on his forehead rite?

if one thing stays consistent in my life, its how inconsistent my social life is. but never has it mattered so much before and at the same time matter so little. i build up fantasies in my mind which probably only exist in that one form, so because of this, i know when i should just keep them there and slowly weed them out, cos they'll never happen. although i'll probably be a happy camper if they did. but now, we'll never know. and sometimes that's the way it should be.

daydreaming brings you nothing but the future.

i dont want to wake up on my own anymore

it's a pity

it's a pity

serenity.
why did that nite have to end?
along with all the other goodbyes i let go with reluctance

fear.
that all these feelings
were only mine, mine alone

resistance.
to the unfeeling beings i used to lust for
that's all i have to salvage my spirit

eyes.
yours, summed up the wonders of my dreams
and the reality of my only nightmare.

goodbye my beautiful mistake, infatuation for the unwanted.

i feel sorry for you.

You and me, we're meant to be, baby

You and me, we're meant to be, baby

have u ever been caught in one of those moments where everything seemed perfectly ok?

not spectacular nor important...juz ok. you juz catch yourself in those moments only for it to go away the moment you realise it. well i had one of those moments as i got down the bus and took the short but pretty detoxifying walk back to my place. and it feels nice becos this comes after a really horrifying few moments earlier today.

those few moments left me feeling really stupid and angry with myself. it leaves me with a problem which i will probably have trouble settling but at least its doesnt involve another person.

i never thought i could still have fun after that. but i did. it was pretty stupid lah but the guys at sb-th had this really lame but dangerous game involving playing and drinking really really bad espresso shots. it helped me take my mind of the stupid incident earlier and i guess contributed to the moment i had juz now.

anyways the rest of the nite was pretty nice, went back to thomson plaza to return dvds....so sad seeing where sb-tp used to be. i'm a sucker for nostalgia and surely i will bore my friends with wonderful but maybe campy stories about how my 1 year 4 months there bore fruit to maybe some of the best moments of my life so far. i mean the bond we guys had was pretty special and i hope these friendships stay for as long as they can. wat can i say...i strive to be a realist

well back to that moment. let me try to describe it to you without doing it too much injustice.
it was very peaceful, almost like how you'd feel after a really good shower after 3 days at a camp. or the way you feel when u see someone for the first time and you juz know this person is gonna have a profound impact on your life, good or bad.
i know this is pretty extravagant, but i swear for a split second i found myself juz feeling good about my life, and then i caught myself doing it, which was probably my biggest mistake today.

still, at least i have those moments. these details define me. these atypical (or maybe not, depends on who u are) thoughts define me. the next person i fall in love with (whoever she is, whether i know her now or not) will also define me.

pathetic? or are u juz jealous? bet u juz cant be bothered...hey, its cool...everyone is the star of their own life. so if u think abt it we're like supporting characters or even extras in a lot of "movies". we arent that important...but i am, in my mind...juz like u are in yours....we dun matter that much, but that's the way it should be. right?

PS: anyone interested in a Nikon F65? contact me k.

you love me but you don't know who i am

it's all about you

it's all about you

4 friends

One car

and Singapore's highways

road trip!!! haha..ok that summed up my nite, had loads of fun and saw the BKE for the first time in like 10 years...haha (as u can tell i dun live in the west).

ok. forget about all the shit, i'll deal with it slowly but effectively. if there's one thing that irritates me about myself is my interest in alot of hibernate things. hibernate bcos i've always had an interest in them and can see myself pursuing them but i always put them aside for something else that i am interested in. they sometimes hibernate themselves but other things like theatre juz slowly continued and gained steam until i cant see myself being without any without shortchanging myself.

was that sentence convoluted or not clearly understandable? blame it on an absent punctuation mark

one of my interests has always been writing and i used to write a lot. and i tend to read my writings alot too, after a few years, and i'm always cringing at the naivety that once surrounded my feelings. i'm always collecting stories in my head and in print, reading and watching stuff that i am really interested in like the general history of planet earth, because i am fascinated by the stories and people who lived so greatly that they inspired stories etched in stone about them, myths and fables they may be but didnt the saying go if there's curry on your shirt you probably had prata, maybe not prata but murtabak for lunch? what i mean to say is there's no smoke without fire.

still so far nothing has proved worthy enough (in my great self-indulgent mind) for me to actually start. myabe becos my inspiration comes a lot from my own life and my life hasnt lived up to its greatest capabilities...i mean i could be happy in 10 years time, maybe making big bucks and drivin a really nice car or juz living with the people i love and sharing times that bring more smiles than scowls.

so how?

believe it or not, in 2 or 3 years time i'll be reading this very entry and realising that maybe i am being a lil too idealistic for my own good. i'll probli be goin, "20 yr old adib is such a pussy, look how you ended up you mega superstar of the underground techno jiwang scene in batam".

ok ok, that was me being me and writing shit that should be kept in my head and not shared wit people i know but i dun really know, you know what i mean? of course you know, i know you do..hehe. thank u, eat some paint

ugly one

ugly one

insecurity. how else can u explain taking one's words out of context twisting it 36o degrees and adding salt and pepper to it so much so as to allow a person's integrity and reputation be put to the test. it says a lot about one's character when he still has the cheek to pretend tat all is fine and try to lull the unsuspecting victim into a false sense of security while he stabs him in the back literally. well asshole you almost got me but thankfully people know me better than that. you can probably try again and again but the fact remains, as u obsess about getting me out of the picture, people see u for the snake u are and your credibility, whatever's left that is goes down another notch. u should be concentrating on makin urself a better actor and not makin me seem like a 2 faced rat, which coincidentally is ur other part-time job after getting really disgusting diseases due to the fact that hygiene is alien to u.

i'm on to u and u should count urself lucky that u dont matter enough for me to be overly bothered by it. try me again, go on. pimple-faced ratboy. its a matter of time before you get an STD and die.

gone this long

gone this long

i havent lost myself in something for a long time
the thrill and excitement of being so caught up
in something you find yourself actually enjoying, u cant beat that
now i've got no motivation, i've lost all my passion.
i find this really disturbing
and sad.

i love u. whoever u are.