i will never be untrue

i will never be untrue

i realised that sometimes i say things that may hurt people. i mean i don't mean to..i just find it hard to pretend to be happy with things all the time.

i'm not the most confrontational guy and i can take things as they are most of the time...thats why if i find that i dont agree with something, i'll say it, especially if it means something to me. if it hurts someone too bad...at least i'm not smiling in front of you while i bitch behind your back rite?

well if you thought that was better then you're wrong. cos ppl are too stupid to realize and understand that the truth hurts sometimes and rather than be too bummed out by it..u should start improving or changing IF you're that bothered by it.

if not the ignore it and continue living in bliss...cos its not worth it to be fretting over something someone said about you especially if it hurts and its true.

If i had to do it all again

If i had to do it all again

sometimes your best just isnt good enough. and sometimes you have to accept that you just arent good enough. and sometimes no matter how hard you try, you'll never be good enough.

and this..my friends, i've just realised is my greatest fear.

reaching the apex of my abilities. when no matter how hard you try, nothing changes.

and i realise too..this is the reason i dont get close to certain people. cos i dont wanna disappoint when the time comes for them to deservedly expect more.

this is it now. i'm gonna start sniffing UHU glue and escape into the heights of tortured, temporary, tittillating heaven.

M-m-m-m-maureen

M-m-m-m-maureen

aku penat. sepenat penatnya. i need a break. but when u enjoy doing the things that make you penat..its worth it right?

well..update. i've been pretty good these past few weeks. been hanging out a lot especially the last couple of days and although its added to my penatness..its been fun. but i feel like there's something missing.

maybe its just my inability to feel secure enough with what i have. maybe its my super finicky personality that keeps changing its tastes and wants. maybe its my indecisiveness when it comes to the things that matter.

when it comes to work or theatre...i know exactly what i have to do. but when it comes to everything else i cant decide. i know i want to have fun but is fun worth having at the expense of something more definite?

hmm...

ya i think it is.

and i know my blogs been getting so very the mendak. nothing inspires me to write anymore so i resort to these kinda posts which if i want to be honest are here for the sake of writing. so maybe i should just stop. what say you?

you don't know what you do to me
i know you wont be true to me
the least that you could do for me
is keep it to yourself.

blurry.
when you cant sleep at night
when you start thinking

blurry..
the thought that trancends obsession
the thought that makes you act silly

blurry...
confusion
confusion of the terminally undecided.

i'm afraid i'll let this go without ever having it.
and my solution? smoke more, think less.
why do i always digress? ....permanently

tell me something so typical

tell me something so typical

good things come to those who wait?
apparently i said this once.

the one who preaches disbelieves.

good things come to those who do something. if its not coming then you're doing it wrong.
OR..you never really wanted it in the first place.

so now i'm undecided. heh

do i want what is good for me? the need for something you always thought you needed but realised you just wanted could really be something you actually needed. make sense?

so do you want me? or, do you need me? do you even know you want/need me?

probably not.

i know one thing though...i love my cats. and my mom and dad....despite the lack of show.

i also like cake. and cigarettes. and chicks.

i spent too much time singing with a headache.

but i had fun guys, pit, den...k box lagi ah!

rantings of a frustrated nightlife-deprived tatsuhiko

rantings of a frustrated nightlife-deprived tatsuhiko

truth is stranger than fiction because fiction has to make sense

i took that off thisistrue.com and that statement itself makes a lot of sense and rings very true.

first impressions are deceitful. they lie and make you think a person is someone whom he/she really isnt. but first impressions are powerful. this is a fact of life..and like most, it stinks.

sometimes you will never fit in because you were the odd one out all the time. you were fun to have around and to sometimes hang out with..but you never will fit into the group dynamic. so deal with it. stop hanging around them.

what is love? love is blind, thus its dangerous cos it'll bring up potentially damaging compromises which are bound to make you feel miserable when you guys eventually break up.

i'm always gonna be alright. me and mr.w ..we get along just fine. 20 sticks and a few days of company.

was looking forward to losing myself in all the noise and liquid gratification but tonight was just not meant to be...next week then. i look forward to. then i'll lose myself in all the noise and the extra (fun) bits.

i guess i just miss the company of certain untouchables. vindicate me ..please.

Come to see victory
In a land called fantasy
Loving life a new degree
Bring your mind to everlasting liberty

you never know a good thing till it leaves you

you never know a good thing till it leaves you

monotony rots your mind and makes you unintelligeble. i am not even sure if i spelt that word correctly cos the monotony has gotten to me and now i officially have an intellect of an ego charged ah beng.

recently i've been seduced once again by a sleek, flat object - my ps2. i've missed ma baby but i think its become too demanding. i cant resist its call every nite before i sleep. so much so that when i sleep its no longer nite. sad i know.

i cant think of anything worth writing now...ma baby is calling me.

and yes...if u think i'm pathetic...ur not far off...but i think ur stupid so we're even.

i'll sing you to sleep

i'll sing you to sleep

give me something worth living for.

waking up today was so difficult. so much so i did it at 1643hrs. that officially makes me depressed today. cos i'm spending saturday at home when i could really be out doing something with someone.

i've been having really strange dreams lately. about really random people. by random i mean they probably qualify to be more of an acquaintance than friend cos i don't really know them. but me being me and thinking that these dreams mean more than they probably do...i want to get to know them now.

right now, i'm supposed to be writing my script...but i find this more enticing. too bad this is the end of it.

smelly socks

smelly socks

how many times have you done something that you really wanted to do?

not something you feel obliged to or forced to do by societal pressure or by a misplaced sense of responsibility.

have you found yourself wanting to do something real bad...but when you trace back the roots of that desire, it stemmed from someone or something else.

recently i realised that a lot of my worries and some dreams come from these sources. i mean, there's nothing wrong about it...all that crap about "being true to yourself" is very relative and belongs more aptly in a disney movie theme song. i mean how true can you be without deriving from influences of people that had crossed paths with you?

everyone has been asked this question before, "what do you want to be when you grow up?"

i've grown up a lot and i still don't really have a definite answer. i'm sure a lot people in similar situations as me feel the same way. and we worry a lot mostly because people tell us we should be worried about the future.

pretty sad rite. but alas human nature is so. sad.

i started this entry with a single thought and an intention to ramble. so i will end this inconclusively. i'm tired and bored but i just wanted to write.

it's been fun

it's been fun

as of the end of this month i will no longer be able to purchase the student concession pass anymore.

this sad news was unveiled to me a little over 2 hours ago as i unknowingly bought my last pass ever.

this marks the end of my youth which will be curtailed even further with the impending national service enlistment that i am bound to receive any day now.

so join me in bidding a slow goodbye to the youthful days of yore which will never be relived again.

bye





bye

don't embrace the past
or grow up too fast

heatwave

heatwave

i hate sundays.
i've been spending the last 3 sundays at home and its been really irritating because i have to contend with an idiot in my house. weekdays i can tahan cos i'm rarely home but sundays with the idiot is very very the irritating.

actually i don't hate sundays that much lah..i get to sleep in and stuff plus he only bothers me when i'm bored so i guess ultimately its cool, cos if u look at him u realise how pathetic he actually is...i feel sorry sometimes but most of the time i gloat.

"everybody thinks they got the prettiest wife at home" - true?

well i think its human nature to want to justify their choice as being the best but if it comes at the expense of rational thinking its sad. but it explains why certain people are in a relationship. i think they seek out like-(narrow)minded beings with an insane tolerance for pimples.


through out a day i swear i think of hitting someone at least 3 times.

-once when i sit next to someone smelly and sweaty on the bus to whom personal space is an idea as alien as baths in the morning.

- once when a couple is walking in front of me totally oblivious to the fact that they are taking up the whole walkway and walking as slow as someone just recovering from a broken hip.

-once when i go to watch a soccer match and sitting behind me is an astonishingly ugly guy who cant seem to keep his STUPID remarks to his group of friends, "Singapore more rich lah!" - he says to the referee when the aforementioned idiot refuses to give S'pore a free-kick. One assumes he was implying that if the referee had given the decision to S'pore he would stand to make more money than kelong-ing to M'sia.

one day i'm gonna snap and end up getting caned for assault. picture this headline "youth beats up defenseless man - man apparently hadnt bathed in 20 years and his legs was taking up too much space on the bus"

ganas kan?

so long

so long

bad timing. that's the only reason good people stay single.
why then do people who seem to have all they need relationship wise throw everything away?

fatigue?
the lack of selflessness?
or pure boredom?

it pains me to see her hurting because i don't think she saw it coming. not that it would have made it excusable on his part but at least she could have readied herself for this.

still who am i to judge? i don't know exactly what happened and from what i know neither does she. he owes it to her to at least come clean about why it happened, if not now eventually.

moving along, i think i know why i'm still single...i sing when i work, way way too much as ina/lin/everyone else i've worked with will tell u. that's why takde jodoh. kwang kwang kwang. not like i'm desperately searching (unlike some people..hehe i mean u Den). C'mon i don't even have time to play football manager.

thanks for warning me yah, u hockey-playing beach bum who i think/hope will never read this =)

well if you wanted honesty

well if you wanted honesty

keeping myself busy keeps me on my toes.
it makes me aware of things around me and helps develop me as an individual who will strive for greater heights of success and happiness.
it also means i have no life.

the second sentence was borne out of me missing out on the thing that keeps me going.
chilling out!!!

its been almost two weeks since i've enjoyed an hour or two,three,ten, of hanging out with my favourite collection of people.

for all those who scorn at us, the future of our nation (*or at least someone with as much potential as me..haha), wasting our precious time away let me tell you something mister. this place is fucked anyways so its totally pointless. anyways i'd rather listen to some of my friends spout out intelligent crap than spend another day at ANY school...unless of course the uniforms are nice, on the girls.

and i realise, i'm long winded aren't i...don't u think so? cos i think i tend to go on and on about my point even though i've established it very early on. i'm not even bothered by this but still i continue talking about it. if that isn't long winded i don't know what is.

i'm bored.

* i'm only joking, but if you want to go on and judge anyway let it be stated that i think your head is too big, and you're just ugly

i like to move it

i like to move it

it seems to be the recurring trend for me to have spent an enormous amount of time at home and then cap it off by posting right here.

it feels nice to reconnect with people. especially someone who used to be so close to u. but isnt it sad that u disconnected in the first place ?

fickle my mind is. but one thing's for sure....my love for the one thing i believed in will not waiver despite the entrance of a seductively annoying 3rd party.

solskjaer..where u man?

and yes...sleeping at home for the whole duration of the weekend(almost) can make u think of very very absurd things.

too bad u werent there babe...we could have a whole load of that thing called fun. but no, u wanted to work. stoooopid. =)

tired.
so very tired.

i want to leave it all behind, i want to start something new.


haunting, very. all the nightmares just seem to keep replaying over and over. the same scenarios just repeating themselves again and again. the characters change but they still make me feel the same way. and the ones who don't, i cannot seem to accept.

why? i think because i like inflicting pain on myself. i can go on and on about the crap that it makes me feel alive but i guess its just a familiar feeling i hold on to.

i miss my lepak buddies.

i miss my money.

i still can't stop thinking of you.

till i find somebody.

she said don't

she said don't

today was unnatural. supremely. i did not step out of the house at all.
it feels weird but i guess it was nice to rest. plus it was my younger bro's bday.
the three of us spent the day watching tv, playing the ps2 and juz chilling cos my parents were in jb or something.

i feel an odd affinity to one of my cats, Duke. He's like the stupidest, and i say it in the nicest way possible, of my 3 cats but he's my fave. he sits in really vulgar positions, rarely utters a sound and when something falls, he'll be the first to jump. why i feel so affiliated? maybe cos he has this aura of loneliness but whenever he's around my other 2 pussies, he's very very affectionate. he could be called the posh one if looks tell the whole story but despite the regality of his appearance, he's more like garfield. and when my parents got home he tried to jump into the boot. c'mon man...he's juz cool. i think he's the only one in our family who actually likes the car. he spends like nights on the bonnet juz looking at our street like some upmarket security guard. he'd probably run in if someone just as much walks towards him.

i'm lost. i see tonight as the last match of the man utd i know, the future looks very different. in no means is it definitely going to be bad but it wont be the same. haiz...americans.

how did it come to this?

the colder water

the colder water

waking up happy
passing a day, despite its length, without any notice.
just the sound of the phone ringing or vulgarly vibrating soothes the lonely,eager soul... savouring each word, ingesting the tones of her voice...each vowel to last a minute.

you quiver at the thought of loss
sleepless, waiting for the next moment you share her smell, her touch, her breath.
everything else is secondary....you lose touch of reality albeit for awhile
you lose yourself in what you think is love.

what is love? (think nite at the roxbury.. ;P)
romancing? sharing? touching?
an idea of living prescribed by those who seem to have it all.
its absence drives some to end their pathetic existence.
brings others to forsake their own blood.

what is love?
something relative
to the degree of naivety you hold.
for most its just abt losing their virginity to the asshole who first proclaims it.
with people like that you cant really blame the cynics.
but then again in the words of the ones who really know their stuff,

"love will keep us alive"

i guess i've been living on cigarettes then...cos i'm still kicking despite that, more than most in love. so the eagles are human after all eh.

withdrawal of ?

withdrawal of ?

sometimes i wonder why my mood swings choose to swing like they do.
its a natural defect, a broken seal, an expired canned food.

why i get so caught up in something, then totally be down about it and then find something to get caught up in again.

nobody i know understands this enough to actually realise that its the way i am, not an excuse for anything else. and its ok cos this way i remain objective about a lot of things. it doesnt bother me per se. and this entry probably only has a significance right now as i'm writing it, cos i'll probably wake up forgetting everything about how i felt 0229 hrs on the 9th of May 2005.

and i wonder do you read this? i'm referring to you the one i feel drawn to despite knowing almost nothing about.

i'm such a pussy...but hey pussies do have fun.
ok, thats like almost a myth in a sentence.
orgasms in the vaginal form = very much debatable right rob?

tmr = opening=20 fucking dollars if i wake up late

me=20 fucking dollars poorer

Yeah Yeah Yeah

Yeah Yeah Yeah

good news
i got another freelance run at disney.
~money come in...more cigarettes ravage my sick body and more going out with girls i dont really like but cos they seem to like me i like them for awhile while i pine for someone more interesting.

WOOO HOOO!!!

sorry if this is gloating but i feel the need to gloat (if you can call that miniscule outpouring of emotion gloating).
anyways its not like anyone reads this barely intelligible excuse of a forum for the spelling challenged yours truly.

and on another note i am going to forget everything thats been going on my mind the last few weeks. after talking to mr. fiscotti i think he's right. no point starting to pursue something which is pointless (haha) and which is probably only existent in my self-indulgent/overconfident but only sometimes mind. so no more.

and what is it with people who blow me away with how they think. someone shoot me with a intellectually charged arrow of wit cos i want some of that action.

i can't take my eyes off of you
blower's daughter u...what else do u blow?

you could be my unintended choice
to live my life extended
you could be the one i'll always love

you could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
you could be the one i'll always love

i'll be there as soon as i can
but i'm busy
mending broken
pieces of the life i had before

first there was the one who challenged
all my dreams and all my balance
she could never be as good as you

you could be my unintended choice
to live my life extended
you should be the one i'll always love

i'll be there as soon as i can
but i'm busy mending broken
pieces of the life i had before

muse - unintended