high quality cigarettes

high quality cigarettes

look up there..that box right here. full of 20 of my friends. sometimes i feel like their the only friends i have. then i go and finally spend some time with people whose company i sometimes have to decline because i'm too busy doing stuff that i think is important, surrounded by people who probably don't give a rat's eyelash abt me or my ideas. sad i know ..but i guess this makes me more reserved about things i previously would have been more excited about. but the excitement wanes as i realise that i don't really fit in. which is a good thing cos maybe they don't deserve everything that i can offer. the bottomline is i guess i don't care anymore. anyway back to the chilling.

when i go chillin with these people, with my members as they would put it, i smoke many many sticks from the big red box and i work out some abdominal muscles i forgot i still had from too much laughter and i have fun again. i forget about all the insecurity, anger about the lack of control i have and fear about crap like my future and doing shit for people who don't deserve even a fart. i feel like i belong again ..the same can't be said about other things though. but hey...i don't have a say in some things..and it will probably never change so what do i do? go chill out with people i enjoy chilling out with. the future? we'll go back to it some other time. there i go again abt the not so good stuff. you understand now why i need to chill?

and when there's no chilling out to do....

i got her to take stupid pictures with me (=

so 2nd dec..bring it on. i've had my fun...apa nak jadi..jadilah. ha ha ha
go and lick my koteh. i don't give a damn.

sweet goodbye

sweet goodbye

life is full of ups and downs. you go up, you come down. the ups are expected, the downs inevitable. bak kata anwar, " susah sekejap aje, senang pun tak lama"

so whats the point of living if life is so predictable, a close friend asked me that recently and i answered him with a passion i never knew i had about life.

i told him, "its just a ride, but its about what you take from the ride. don't focus on getting to the destination, just take in what you can from the ride. the sights, sounds, experiences, people. learn from everything so that you seize the highs when they come by and when you have the downs it'll pass by faster."

i think that basically sums up how i've seen life these past few months. i've been in the company of many different people, some fucked up, others inspirational, some really blur, a few searching for their true calling, two really smelly and one oh so beautiful. i've learnt from each and every one of them, the good, the bad, the smelly. i guess that's my way of taking in the ride, my way of enjoyin the journey.

saying that...i guess this has helped me come to terms with missing out on doing the dec show with 3 people i respect as individuals and whose company as a trio i look forward to every single time. its a missed opportunity but i guess its part of the ride.

and the fear of the future? its always gonna be there but i'm gonna enjoy the now. and now, i'm having the time of my life. i hope you are too. but if not its cool. cos the ride's just begun. heh. saying it demeans the true nature of my ecstasy so i'll just shut up now.

and no, I won't start that again. heh

si bodoh nak joget jugak

si bodoh nak joget jugak

if you sacrifice time, money and friendships to do the thing you love and to help a place you feel like you belong to only to see it being thrown back in your face by the comments and actions of the same place, would you feel like an utter idiot being led by the hairs on your ass, as you continue to pump in buckets of sweat ..not to mention tonnes of potential "lepak" time, to a place where recognition is hard to come by and even a simple sorry doesnt exist.

the lack of recognition is still tolerable though.

if you make a mistake that cannot be salvaged..the most logical thing is to just say sorry...its also the LEAST you can do. i would feel like crap but because of the way you've dealt with it...i feel like running into a concrete wall without a helmet. i've given what i can offer for your cause. even when i feel like i'm being picked on i just brush it off and take it in cos i tell myself i'm just being paranoid. but i guess this is the ice on top of the mountains you see in movies. its slowly melting like the patience i have for you and the friends i have there. maybe it has come to a pt where i have to fuck it all and just go. you've probably judged me already for the things i've done. the things you think will tar your name. so maybe i should make it easier for you lah huh.

and if any of my friends think they know how i feel. i can probably only agree that one or two really understand. but their different...they have things to offer so you need them. i am expected to be able to do everything when you want me to and if i cant you go around judging and destroying my credibility as a WHOLE person.

i know what i want...and i will eventually know what to do. once i do...i'll have no qualms doing it. then you can say whatever you want...oh wait..that's what you do now anyway.

its just a ride. i'll get there soon.

no matter what i do

no matter what i do

power is nothing without control.
and i never thought i would not have the power to control the way i feel. so i end up feeling like crap and like a million bucks at the same time.

i don't expect anyone to understand the way i feel and the reason i do stuff. and i know i deserve the consternation and indifference because of the circumstances i've allowed myself to get into.
believe me...i've asked and contradicted myself many times and i've tried not allowing things to go on personally.

if anyone understood the pain i felt with zura before...turn it 180 degrees (this is good not bad) around but add a lot of guilt to it - thats how i feel now.

the bottomline is...i like feeling the way i feel when she's around..a lot. this scares me but excites me at the same time. and i'll take that with me for a long long time..no matter how things turn out.

no matter what i do..aku jahat...aku tahu.

wed aftn

wed aftn

when you do something that you normally wouldnt do, is that called being out of character? but what if the things you do are always the things you normally don't do. how does that get defined? this is not making any sense..but humour me lah.picture this. what if every single day was filled with things you do for the first time or that you don't do again for a long time? does that excite you? or will it tire you?

i'm just wondering...cos this past week has been filled with things i've done before but not in succession...and its been fun. although i miss the routine which i will get back to next week and probably curse the tiresomeness.

and i'm still hung up over things i cant get..or if i'm gonna be more accurate, should not be trying to get. i'm not trying to objectify...this is me being cryptic..hur hur hur.

and singing to malay songs at the top of your voice when noone is at home on a wed afternoon is very happening.


pabila tangisan embun pagi!!!
mimpi indah..tah ke mana menghilang
itulah kenyataan!!!
engkau biarkan aku terbuang
dan mencari dirimu
di alam fana cinta!!
engkau pula berdusta!!!

bila terpejam lena

bila terpejam lena

its funny when you seem to relate to everyone, correction everyone seems to be able to relate to you AND you still manage to feel like an outsider. you understand people but people just think they know you when they havent even pierced through the first layer of your being. you can either grin and bear it and seem "safe" or come of as an arrogant jerk. i miraculously can do both.

i think i now know how anwar feels, noone really gets me and i'm beginning to think myself to sleep more and more. and it is becoming increasingly frustrating.

oh well. c'est la vie.

tweedy me2

tweedy me

-Di sebalik senyummu, tersembunyi seribu lara-

i've been having a lot of trouble sleeping recently. i always end up asleep only after 3. very frustrating cos i usually work in the morning. working in the morning and sleeping after 3 is not a very complimentary pairing. but since i cannot sleep i think a lot.
the one thing i've thought of other than the pain in my left foot from too much dancing during dangdut rehearsals is the sad way life is always perceived by people. most people i mean..myself sometimes included.

you always build up fantasies in you mind about your future and about relationships and jobs and what have you. and when they actually happen u get super bummed cos things arent exactly like the way you pictured. i get it all the time..like when it comes to girls, or rather my relationships with them, and maybe i deal defensively by not having any expectations at all.

surprisingly like that haircare commercial said it "its works"!

it really does work ..cos you focus less on how the end result should be like your fantasies and you learn how to appreciate the details more and you enjoy the ride. for me this attitude works in work, you get what i mean rite, at home and basically in almost all facets of my life right now..heck i'm even positively looking forward to NS (ok..that may be becos i have a feeling it'll be somewhere next year and i'm determined to make the most out of my time left)

i'm not saying you shouldnt have goals or even dream a lil. i mean you can..if you have a strong sense of the real to pull you back at the end of the day. that way..if ur disappointed it won't be the end of the world...and you will probably bounce back stronger..like a tennis ball thrown on Thierry Henry's bald pate.

if you're reading this, i hope brinjal kept you good company yest nite. i want to smell like cocoa butter too some time ;)

dilema

dilema

adib, yang sudah berpunya tu tak boleh diambil. that's called stealing. just leave her with him. don't spoil his happiness.

tapi aku nak. aku tak tahu lah dia nak ke tak dengan aku tapi aku nak jugak.

duduk diam2 buat hal sendiri aje dib. dia tu orang punya. lupakan aje...ada banyak lagi kucing kat kolong.

tapi tiap kali aku ada mesti dia dekat ngan aku. kadang2 aku buat bodoh dia yang layan. takkan aku buat dek je? is that the way to treat a lady?


tapi dia tu orang punya! kau nak disamakan dengan orang2 macam gitu? orang yang memancing ikan yang sudah ditangkap orang lain?

tapi aku suka..dia cute. aku tak pernah ada yang se-cute dia. she's cuter than all the others before. i can't stand it. macam mana ni?

adib...please..just forget about her k. she can survive on her own. tak yah kau nak sibuk2.

but she's a stray child. kadang2 aje dia balik. without me i don't know how she's gonna survive. she hasnt got anyone else except...

except Azmi! Azmi kan dah sound dulu. dia dah bawak makan semua....kau jangan kacau daun ah. there are other pussies around. you've had ur fair share anyway.

no. every pussy's special. i'm gonna make her mine. and i don't care what you say. from tomorrow onwards if Tammy waits for me when i get home..i'm gonna make her mine.





dan dengan itu aku mula lebih mesra dengan kucing jiran aku. tapi sekarang dia dah balik kat Azmi selepas beberapa malam makan nasi dengan ikan rebus kat rumah aku. moral of the story..don't steal. cos crime does not pay..and it breaks hearts.*

*names have been changed to protect the fragile film of privacy that surrounds every individual in this now forsaken world

fuckjobs

fuckjobs

its sad when u have to sit (literally) and watch stupidity unfold.

i'm tired of this shit. i'm tired of all the attention. all the wasted time. friendships are built over time but all this time can prove to be a waste. all i know is this is the beginning of the end for a number of things. i don't want to be bothered by this anymore. i dont relate to anyone on it and that is the saddest thing i can think of right now.

left again

left again

loving you was easy cos ur beautiful
losing you - the hardest thing i ever went through
your written confession deafened my existence in its silence.
silence that you never broke.
i died in your ignorant bliss

away from you i toughened.
like weathered skin on a vagabonds face
my heart hardened as much as my skin thinned
i never found myself again, losing me would be poignantly ironic after i let you go
there's nothing poignant about my life anymore other than the memories

as you beckon again
the walls i've built from my tears
melt as it diffuses through my paper skin
soaking my future with the darkness and smiles of the past
the hopelessness of the now echo threateningly in my choice.

foolish hope
execution of the intellectual
this rhapsody leaves me exactly where it greeted me, that day in october.
crying for you.

i will never be untrue

i will never be untrue

i realised that sometimes i say things that may hurt people. i mean i don't mean to..i just find it hard to pretend to be happy with things all the time.

i'm not the most confrontational guy and i can take things as they are most of the time...thats why if i find that i dont agree with something, i'll say it, especially if it means something to me. if it hurts someone too bad...at least i'm not smiling in front of you while i bitch behind your back rite?

well if you thought that was better then you're wrong. cos ppl are too stupid to realize and understand that the truth hurts sometimes and rather than be too bummed out by it..u should start improving or changing IF you're that bothered by it.

if not the ignore it and continue living in bliss...cos its not worth it to be fretting over something someone said about you especially if it hurts and its true.

If i had to do it all again

If i had to do it all again

sometimes your best just isnt good enough. and sometimes you have to accept that you just arent good enough. and sometimes no matter how hard you try, you'll never be good enough.

and this..my friends, i've just realised is my greatest fear.

reaching the apex of my abilities. when no matter how hard you try, nothing changes.

and i realise too..this is the reason i dont get close to certain people. cos i dont wanna disappoint when the time comes for them to deservedly expect more.

this is it now. i'm gonna start sniffing UHU glue and escape into the heights of tortured, temporary, tittillating heaven.

M-m-m-m-maureen

M-m-m-m-maureen

aku penat. sepenat penatnya. i need a break. but when u enjoy doing the things that make you penat..its worth it right?

well..update. i've been pretty good these past few weeks. been hanging out a lot especially the last couple of days and although its added to my penatness..its been fun. but i feel like there's something missing.

maybe its just my inability to feel secure enough with what i have. maybe its my super finicky personality that keeps changing its tastes and wants. maybe its my indecisiveness when it comes to the things that matter.

when it comes to work or theatre...i know exactly what i have to do. but when it comes to everything else i cant decide. i know i want to have fun but is fun worth having at the expense of something more definite?

hmm...

ya i think it is.

and i know my blogs been getting so very the mendak. nothing inspires me to write anymore so i resort to these kinda posts which if i want to be honest are here for the sake of writing. so maybe i should just stop. what say you?

you don't know what you do to me
i know you wont be true to me
the least that you could do for me
is keep it to yourself.

blurry.
when you cant sleep at night
when you start thinking

blurry..
the thought that trancends obsession
the thought that makes you act silly

blurry...
confusion
confusion of the terminally undecided.

i'm afraid i'll let this go without ever having it.
and my solution? smoke more, think less.
why do i always digress? ....permanently

tell me something so typical

tell me something so typical

good things come to those who wait?
apparently i said this once.

the one who preaches disbelieves.

good things come to those who do something. if its not coming then you're doing it wrong.
OR..you never really wanted it in the first place.

so now i'm undecided. heh

do i want what is good for me? the need for something you always thought you needed but realised you just wanted could really be something you actually needed. make sense?

so do you want me? or, do you need me? do you even know you want/need me?

probably not.

i know one thing though...i love my cats. and my mom and dad....despite the lack of show.

i also like cake. and cigarettes. and chicks.

i spent too much time singing with a headache.

but i had fun guys, pit, den...k box lagi ah!

rantings of a frustrated nightlife-deprived tatsuhiko

rantings of a frustrated nightlife-deprived tatsuhiko

truth is stranger than fiction because fiction has to make sense

i took that off thisistrue.com and that statement itself makes a lot of sense and rings very true.

first impressions are deceitful. they lie and make you think a person is someone whom he/she really isnt. but first impressions are powerful. this is a fact of life..and like most, it stinks.

sometimes you will never fit in because you were the odd one out all the time. you were fun to have around and to sometimes hang out with..but you never will fit into the group dynamic. so deal with it. stop hanging around them.

what is love? love is blind, thus its dangerous cos it'll bring up potentially damaging compromises which are bound to make you feel miserable when you guys eventually break up.

i'm always gonna be alright. me and mr.w ..we get along just fine. 20 sticks and a few days of company.

was looking forward to losing myself in all the noise and liquid gratification but tonight was just not meant to be...next week then. i look forward to. then i'll lose myself in all the noise and the extra (fun) bits.

i guess i just miss the company of certain untouchables. vindicate me ..please.

Come to see victory
In a land called fantasy
Loving life a new degree
Bring your mind to everlasting liberty

you never know a good thing till it leaves you

you never know a good thing till it leaves you

monotony rots your mind and makes you unintelligeble. i am not even sure if i spelt that word correctly cos the monotony has gotten to me and now i officially have an intellect of an ego charged ah beng.

recently i've been seduced once again by a sleek, flat object - my ps2. i've missed ma baby but i think its become too demanding. i cant resist its call every nite before i sleep. so much so that when i sleep its no longer nite. sad i know.

i cant think of anything worth writing now...ma baby is calling me.

and yes...if u think i'm pathetic...ur not far off...but i think ur stupid so we're even.

i'll sing you to sleep

i'll sing you to sleep

give me something worth living for.

waking up today was so difficult. so much so i did it at 1643hrs. that officially makes me depressed today. cos i'm spending saturday at home when i could really be out doing something with someone.

i've been having really strange dreams lately. about really random people. by random i mean they probably qualify to be more of an acquaintance than friend cos i don't really know them. but me being me and thinking that these dreams mean more than they probably do...i want to get to know them now.

right now, i'm supposed to be writing my script...but i find this more enticing. too bad this is the end of it.

smelly socks

smelly socks

how many times have you done something that you really wanted to do?

not something you feel obliged to or forced to do by societal pressure or by a misplaced sense of responsibility.

have you found yourself wanting to do something real bad...but when you trace back the roots of that desire, it stemmed from someone or something else.

recently i realised that a lot of my worries and some dreams come from these sources. i mean, there's nothing wrong about it...all that crap about "being true to yourself" is very relative and belongs more aptly in a disney movie theme song. i mean how true can you be without deriving from influences of people that had crossed paths with you?

everyone has been asked this question before, "what do you want to be when you grow up?"

i've grown up a lot and i still don't really have a definite answer. i'm sure a lot people in similar situations as me feel the same way. and we worry a lot mostly because people tell us we should be worried about the future.

pretty sad rite. but alas human nature is so. sad.

i started this entry with a single thought and an intention to ramble. so i will end this inconclusively. i'm tired and bored but i just wanted to write.

it's been fun

it's been fun

as of the end of this month i will no longer be able to purchase the student concession pass anymore.

this sad news was unveiled to me a little over 2 hours ago as i unknowingly bought my last pass ever.

this marks the end of my youth which will be curtailed even further with the impending national service enlistment that i am bound to receive any day now.

so join me in bidding a slow goodbye to the youthful days of yore which will never be relived again.

bye





bye

don't embrace the past
or grow up too fast