and so it is

and so it is

stupid...stupid waste of time.
stupid waste of time doing absolutely nothing.
am i just wasting more time dwelling on the stupidity of the time wasted?

maybe

but i cant help it cos all i feel is this stupidity engulfing me...making things unbearably irritating

oh well...noone can possibly begin to emphatize with me
and so...i'll juz go back to the nothingness that promised so much

henfenk-pop-fuck

henfenk-pop-fuck

think of all the things that are worth thinking of.
banish the fears that dwell in your heart.

but never will u know.

for innocence
innocence ceases to prevail
innocence that exists only in projection
innocence in trust for the undeserving

and how about me?
the question that lays unanswered as u wonder why

its them who matters in the manner of nothing that matters.
at least to u.

cos frankly my dear...i dont give a fuck abt them
saccharine words of devotion
poetic simplicity is so.
the truth is suffice

and all i want to do is die.

dib - 190206 1337hrs

i see your face

i see your face

everything's small on the ground below.
what if i fall, then where would i go? would she know?

she is the one.

Happy birthday sheen!

Happy birthday sheen!


See that girl up there? She's the reason i've been enjoying myself so much these past 4 months.

Today she turns 21. With this coming of age...i really really hope she gets what she's always wanted...and that she waits til i turn 21 to watch R(A) movies.

so...happy 21st birthday Sheereen Isfahani Fahmy. i'm hoping that you'll get the ultimate birthday present selenge...love u =)

sleeping in..finally!

sleeping in..finally!

its the new year.

2005 was eventful to say the least. and as i reflect i realise how much of it will be defined for me by the last 4 months of it.

its been a year of disappointments...sad partings...and unexpected surprises.

finally leaving school, finding her, feeling disillusioned with theatre for the first time, losing the chance after really looking forward to work with 3 friends, leaving starbucks, losing my civilian status, watching the said 3 friends going through an experience they'll cherish for a long time and feeling like crap cos you wanted so bad to be part of that.....stuff like that.

i guess this year has made me re-assess many relationships, some for the better and a select few people i just feel i'm better off without.

i found myself to be in a rut. all my plans and aspirations never really pushed me anymore because i knew eventually i'd have to put it on hold.

i'm still putting it on hold..but at least now i know every day gone means i'm a day closer to getting my life back on track.

and i guess i couldnt have started 2006 on a better note. yesterday was great. having the HMKT peeps over was fun too. but i am so not looking forward to another week of tekong. but hey..tough times don't last, tough men do. right apache platoon 2?

back to showering amongst tthe hairy-butts of my bunk-mates tmr. tonight i sleep well.

naughty naughty

naughty naughty

i should be happy.

life has been different these past three weeks. ns was everything i expected it to be and it brought with it realisations which never would have propped up before.

i miss home. i miss my friends. i miss sheereen.

i miss watching tv till 4 am in the morning and waking up at one in the afternoon to go to work.
i miss chilling out with ah pek and the gang eating supper and smoking all my money away.
i miss sitting across her, listening to her go on and on about something or another...loving the fact that she is and wants to be with me.

as much as i miss some things, i'm pretty surprised about the things that i don't miss...and the things that i actually enjoy about my present situation.

i guess what those things are don't really matter but what i think matters is that i will get through this...and move on. i may not be the best company...but it'll only be for awhile.

apa nak jadi...jadilah.

i never realised how apt that title was. bmt 1/5 through...many many more weeks to go.

Rampant

silence.
revel in the sound of absence.

looking at you.

a smile.
your presence.


all i want to do is collapse into you.

breathing the scent that will keep me sane.
til i see you again.

i've traced back the feelings of discontent to my post on national day. that was the beginning of me not enjoying things i used to live for.

its quite sad really cos they used to represent so much of me.

friends, family, colleagues. they think they know what i'm about but i'll never allow that vulnerability to engulf me.

you read this. you judge. i don't blame you cos i do that too.

this entry is the epitome of itself.

Push the button

Push the button

read any 13-15 year old's friendster profile and you might find under the "about me" section, their e-mail addresses, that they like the sugababes(who doesnt?), chatting on msn and that they hate hypocrites.

the fact that i know all this isn't the point of this entry. but why does everybody hate hypocrites?

hypocrisy is something that is frowned upon and viewed with much negativity but how realistic is it for one to not be associated with that term. in this world of political correctness and especially in our asian culture of saving face i guess its hypocritical for us to even stand up and say "i'm definitely 100% not a hypocrite".

sometimes i profess things that i don't neccessarily believe in just to stop from too many questions being asked or to just humour a person not worth humouring. doesnt that make me a hypocrite?

there is this one thing on two legs whom i have totally no respect for as a person. and i treated him that way for a long time. i have since decided to just humour him because its too much trouble and effort to treat him like the cow shit he is. so now although i doubt my names high on his list of good listeners (he likes to tell crap stories about his pathetic life) ..i'm pretty sure he doesnt think of me as so much of a threat. i mean i've seen the phoney-ness of how some of my friends treat him and although i didnt believe in doing the same initially it was just too much drama not to just grin and bear it.

what a hypocrite.

its funny how in this age of expressing your ideas and being true to yourself that when someone consistently says out loud his honest, no-holds barred opinions, he is viewed much like a rebel in funny clothes in this society of cookie-cutters, stick a tail on my donkey ass pretenders.

and when someone says out loud what they really think about other people they are sued, issued gag orders or convicted. for their opinions. sheesh.

what i write here is probably as close to my actual thoughts compared to any conversation you might have with me. whether you know me or not, like me or despise me ..you can judge if you want, i guess i am asking for that if i actually get down to writing an entry about it. but for all the shit written here..i may actually not believe a single shred of it.

aaaah hypocrisy...beautiful ain't it?

-

-

there are times in life when you see the light. sometimes it shines straight into you so you cant help but close your eyes for awhile cos looking straight at it will hurt your eyes rendering you blind for a few seconds.

i've been absent these past few weeks. not physically...just mentally not present. i doubt if anyone noticed this absence cos i've come to realise that people may not be who i thought they were...at least with reagrds to me. it all might sound selfish to you but it makes perfect sense to me when i say this. i've lived my life in circles around people i care for. family, especially friends. and now with an absence more pronounced looming i feel a little sad that my presence may never have been of much importance to these people.

i guess i'm speaking from a very private place right now. the only people who "know" can't really comprehend and i don't blame them. cos the ones who can are the ones i've been absent from. and they will never have noticed it.

i've heard a lot of talk about leading your own life...hidup mesti jalan terus...haha..mestilah jalan terus..yang tak terjalan terus ...terus mampus. well my life is defined by the people around me and this ramadhan has probably opened my eyes to the truth. And i thank you all.

Kalau sampai waktuku
Ku mau tak seorang kan merayu
Tidak juga kau
Tak perlu sedu sedan itu

Aku ini binatang jalang
Dari kumpulannya terbuang

Biar peluru menembus kulitku
Aku tetap meradang menerjang

Luka dan bisa kubawa berlari
Berlari
Hingga hilang pedih peri

Dan aku akan lebih tidak perduli

Aku mau hidup seribu tahun lagi

Selamat Hari Raya

high quality cigarettes

high quality cigarettes

look up there..that box right here. full of 20 of my friends. sometimes i feel like their the only friends i have. then i go and finally spend some time with people whose company i sometimes have to decline because i'm too busy doing stuff that i think is important, surrounded by people who probably don't give a rat's eyelash abt me or my ideas. sad i know ..but i guess this makes me more reserved about things i previously would have been more excited about. but the excitement wanes as i realise that i don't really fit in. which is a good thing cos maybe they don't deserve everything that i can offer. the bottomline is i guess i don't care anymore. anyway back to the chilling.

when i go chillin with these people, with my members as they would put it, i smoke many many sticks from the big red box and i work out some abdominal muscles i forgot i still had from too much laughter and i have fun again. i forget about all the insecurity, anger about the lack of control i have and fear about crap like my future and doing shit for people who don't deserve even a fart. i feel like i belong again ..the same can't be said about other things though. but hey...i don't have a say in some things..and it will probably never change so what do i do? go chill out with people i enjoy chilling out with. the future? we'll go back to it some other time. there i go again abt the not so good stuff. you understand now why i need to chill?

and when there's no chilling out to do....

i got her to take stupid pictures with me (=

so 2nd dec..bring it on. i've had my fun...apa nak jadi..jadilah. ha ha ha
go and lick my koteh. i don't give a damn.

sweet goodbye

sweet goodbye

life is full of ups and downs. you go up, you come down. the ups are expected, the downs inevitable. bak kata anwar, " susah sekejap aje, senang pun tak lama"

so whats the point of living if life is so predictable, a close friend asked me that recently and i answered him with a passion i never knew i had about life.

i told him, "its just a ride, but its about what you take from the ride. don't focus on getting to the destination, just take in what you can from the ride. the sights, sounds, experiences, people. learn from everything so that you seize the highs when they come by and when you have the downs it'll pass by faster."

i think that basically sums up how i've seen life these past few months. i've been in the company of many different people, some fucked up, others inspirational, some really blur, a few searching for their true calling, two really smelly and one oh so beautiful. i've learnt from each and every one of them, the good, the bad, the smelly. i guess that's my way of taking in the ride, my way of enjoyin the journey.

saying that...i guess this has helped me come to terms with missing out on doing the dec show with 3 people i respect as individuals and whose company as a trio i look forward to every single time. its a missed opportunity but i guess its part of the ride.

and the fear of the future? its always gonna be there but i'm gonna enjoy the now. and now, i'm having the time of my life. i hope you are too. but if not its cool. cos the ride's just begun. heh. saying it demeans the true nature of my ecstasy so i'll just shut up now.

and no, I won't start that again. heh

si bodoh nak joget jugak

si bodoh nak joget jugak

if you sacrifice time, money and friendships to do the thing you love and to help a place you feel like you belong to only to see it being thrown back in your face by the comments and actions of the same place, would you feel like an utter idiot being led by the hairs on your ass, as you continue to pump in buckets of sweat ..not to mention tonnes of potential "lepak" time, to a place where recognition is hard to come by and even a simple sorry doesnt exist.

the lack of recognition is still tolerable though.

if you make a mistake that cannot be salvaged..the most logical thing is to just say sorry...its also the LEAST you can do. i would feel like crap but because of the way you've dealt with it...i feel like running into a concrete wall without a helmet. i've given what i can offer for your cause. even when i feel like i'm being picked on i just brush it off and take it in cos i tell myself i'm just being paranoid. but i guess this is the ice on top of the mountains you see in movies. its slowly melting like the patience i have for you and the friends i have there. maybe it has come to a pt where i have to fuck it all and just go. you've probably judged me already for the things i've done. the things you think will tar your name. so maybe i should make it easier for you lah huh.

and if any of my friends think they know how i feel. i can probably only agree that one or two really understand. but their different...they have things to offer so you need them. i am expected to be able to do everything when you want me to and if i cant you go around judging and destroying my credibility as a WHOLE person.

i know what i want...and i will eventually know what to do. once i do...i'll have no qualms doing it. then you can say whatever you want...oh wait..that's what you do now anyway.

its just a ride. i'll get there soon.

no matter what i do

no matter what i do

power is nothing without control.
and i never thought i would not have the power to control the way i feel. so i end up feeling like crap and like a million bucks at the same time.

i don't expect anyone to understand the way i feel and the reason i do stuff. and i know i deserve the consternation and indifference because of the circumstances i've allowed myself to get into.
believe me...i've asked and contradicted myself many times and i've tried not allowing things to go on personally.

if anyone understood the pain i felt with zura before...turn it 180 degrees (this is good not bad) around but add a lot of guilt to it - thats how i feel now.

the bottomline is...i like feeling the way i feel when she's around..a lot. this scares me but excites me at the same time. and i'll take that with me for a long long time..no matter how things turn out.

no matter what i do..aku jahat...aku tahu.

wed aftn

wed aftn

when you do something that you normally wouldnt do, is that called being out of character? but what if the things you do are always the things you normally don't do. how does that get defined? this is not making any sense..but humour me lah.picture this. what if every single day was filled with things you do for the first time or that you don't do again for a long time? does that excite you? or will it tire you?

i'm just wondering...cos this past week has been filled with things i've done before but not in succession...and its been fun. although i miss the routine which i will get back to next week and probably curse the tiresomeness.

and i'm still hung up over things i cant get..or if i'm gonna be more accurate, should not be trying to get. i'm not trying to objectify...this is me being cryptic..hur hur hur.

and singing to malay songs at the top of your voice when noone is at home on a wed afternoon is very happening.


pabila tangisan embun pagi!!!
mimpi indah..tah ke mana menghilang
itulah kenyataan!!!
engkau biarkan aku terbuang
dan mencari dirimu
di alam fana cinta!!
engkau pula berdusta!!!

bila terpejam lena

bila terpejam lena

its funny when you seem to relate to everyone, correction everyone seems to be able to relate to you AND you still manage to feel like an outsider. you understand people but people just think they know you when they havent even pierced through the first layer of your being. you can either grin and bear it and seem "safe" or come of as an arrogant jerk. i miraculously can do both.

i think i now know how anwar feels, noone really gets me and i'm beginning to think myself to sleep more and more. and it is becoming increasingly frustrating.

oh well. c'est la vie.

tweedy me2

tweedy me

-Di sebalik senyummu, tersembunyi seribu lara-

i've been having a lot of trouble sleeping recently. i always end up asleep only after 3. very frustrating cos i usually work in the morning. working in the morning and sleeping after 3 is not a very complimentary pairing. but since i cannot sleep i think a lot.
the one thing i've thought of other than the pain in my left foot from too much dancing during dangdut rehearsals is the sad way life is always perceived by people. most people i mean..myself sometimes included.

you always build up fantasies in you mind about your future and about relationships and jobs and what have you. and when they actually happen u get super bummed cos things arent exactly like the way you pictured. i get it all the time..like when it comes to girls, or rather my relationships with them, and maybe i deal defensively by not having any expectations at all.

surprisingly like that haircare commercial said it "its works"!

it really does work ..cos you focus less on how the end result should be like your fantasies and you learn how to appreciate the details more and you enjoy the ride. for me this attitude works in work, you get what i mean rite, at home and basically in almost all facets of my life right now..heck i'm even positively looking forward to NS (ok..that may be becos i have a feeling it'll be somewhere next year and i'm determined to make the most out of my time left)

i'm not saying you shouldnt have goals or even dream a lil. i mean you can..if you have a strong sense of the real to pull you back at the end of the day. that way..if ur disappointed it won't be the end of the world...and you will probably bounce back stronger..like a tennis ball thrown on Thierry Henry's bald pate.

if you're reading this, i hope brinjal kept you good company yest nite. i want to smell like cocoa butter too some time ;)

dilema

dilema

adib, yang sudah berpunya tu tak boleh diambil. that's called stealing. just leave her with him. don't spoil his happiness.

tapi aku nak. aku tak tahu lah dia nak ke tak dengan aku tapi aku nak jugak.

duduk diam2 buat hal sendiri aje dib. dia tu orang punya. lupakan aje...ada banyak lagi kucing kat kolong.

tapi tiap kali aku ada mesti dia dekat ngan aku. kadang2 aku buat bodoh dia yang layan. takkan aku buat dek je? is that the way to treat a lady?


tapi dia tu orang punya! kau nak disamakan dengan orang2 macam gitu? orang yang memancing ikan yang sudah ditangkap orang lain?

tapi aku suka..dia cute. aku tak pernah ada yang se-cute dia. she's cuter than all the others before. i can't stand it. macam mana ni?

adib...please..just forget about her k. she can survive on her own. tak yah kau nak sibuk2.

but she's a stray child. kadang2 aje dia balik. without me i don't know how she's gonna survive. she hasnt got anyone else except...

except Azmi! Azmi kan dah sound dulu. dia dah bawak makan semua....kau jangan kacau daun ah. there are other pussies around. you've had ur fair share anyway.

no. every pussy's special. i'm gonna make her mine. and i don't care what you say. from tomorrow onwards if Tammy waits for me when i get home..i'm gonna make her mine.





dan dengan itu aku mula lebih mesra dengan kucing jiran aku. tapi sekarang dia dah balik kat Azmi selepas beberapa malam makan nasi dengan ikan rebus kat rumah aku. moral of the story..don't steal. cos crime does not pay..and it breaks hearts.*

*names have been changed to protect the fragile film of privacy that surrounds every individual in this now forsaken world

fuckjobs

fuckjobs

its sad when u have to sit (literally) and watch stupidity unfold.

i'm tired of this shit. i'm tired of all the attention. all the wasted time. friendships are built over time but all this time can prove to be a waste. all i know is this is the beginning of the end for a number of things. i don't want to be bothered by this anymore. i dont relate to anyone on it and that is the saddest thing i can think of right now.

left again

left again

loving you was easy cos ur beautiful
losing you - the hardest thing i ever went through
your written confession deafened my existence in its silence.
silence that you never broke.
i died in your ignorant bliss

away from you i toughened.
like weathered skin on a vagabonds face
my heart hardened as much as my skin thinned
i never found myself again, losing me would be poignantly ironic after i let you go
there's nothing poignant about my life anymore other than the memories

as you beckon again
the walls i've built from my tears
melt as it diffuses through my paper skin
soaking my future with the darkness and smiles of the past
the hopelessness of the now echo threateningly in my choice.

foolish hope
execution of the intellectual
this rhapsody leaves me exactly where it greeted me, that day in october.
crying for you.