Rampant

silence.
revel in the sound of absence.

looking at you.

a smile.
your presence.


all i want to do is collapse into you.

breathing the scent that will keep me sane.
til i see you again.

i've traced back the feelings of discontent to my post on national day. that was the beginning of me not enjoying things i used to live for.

its quite sad really cos they used to represent so much of me.

friends, family, colleagues. they think they know what i'm about but i'll never allow that vulnerability to engulf me.

you read this. you judge. i don't blame you cos i do that too.

this entry is the epitome of itself.

Push the button

Push the button

read any 13-15 year old's friendster profile and you might find under the "about me" section, their e-mail addresses, that they like the sugababes(who doesnt?), chatting on msn and that they hate hypocrites.

the fact that i know all this isn't the point of this entry. but why does everybody hate hypocrites?

hypocrisy is something that is frowned upon and viewed with much negativity but how realistic is it for one to not be associated with that term. in this world of political correctness and especially in our asian culture of saving face i guess its hypocritical for us to even stand up and say "i'm definitely 100% not a hypocrite".

sometimes i profess things that i don't neccessarily believe in just to stop from too many questions being asked or to just humour a person not worth humouring. doesnt that make me a hypocrite?

there is this one thing on two legs whom i have totally no respect for as a person. and i treated him that way for a long time. i have since decided to just humour him because its too much trouble and effort to treat him like the cow shit he is. so now although i doubt my names high on his list of good listeners (he likes to tell crap stories about his pathetic life) ..i'm pretty sure he doesnt think of me as so much of a threat. i mean i've seen the phoney-ness of how some of my friends treat him and although i didnt believe in doing the same initially it was just too much drama not to just grin and bear it.

what a hypocrite.

its funny how in this age of expressing your ideas and being true to yourself that when someone consistently says out loud his honest, no-holds barred opinions, he is viewed much like a rebel in funny clothes in this society of cookie-cutters, stick a tail on my donkey ass pretenders.

and when someone says out loud what they really think about other people they are sued, issued gag orders or convicted. for their opinions. sheesh.

what i write here is probably as close to my actual thoughts compared to any conversation you might have with me. whether you know me or not, like me or despise me ..you can judge if you want, i guess i am asking for that if i actually get down to writing an entry about it. but for all the shit written here..i may actually not believe a single shred of it.

aaaah hypocrisy...beautiful ain't it?

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there are times in life when you see the light. sometimes it shines straight into you so you cant help but close your eyes for awhile cos looking straight at it will hurt your eyes rendering you blind for a few seconds.

i've been absent these past few weeks. not physically...just mentally not present. i doubt if anyone noticed this absence cos i've come to realise that people may not be who i thought they were...at least with reagrds to me. it all might sound selfish to you but it makes perfect sense to me when i say this. i've lived my life in circles around people i care for. family, especially friends. and now with an absence more pronounced looming i feel a little sad that my presence may never have been of much importance to these people.

i guess i'm speaking from a very private place right now. the only people who "know" can't really comprehend and i don't blame them. cos the ones who can are the ones i've been absent from. and they will never have noticed it.

i've heard a lot of talk about leading your own life...hidup mesti jalan terus...haha..mestilah jalan terus..yang tak terjalan terus ...terus mampus. well my life is defined by the people around me and this ramadhan has probably opened my eyes to the truth. And i thank you all.

Kalau sampai waktuku
Ku mau tak seorang kan merayu
Tidak juga kau
Tak perlu sedu sedan itu

Aku ini binatang jalang
Dari kumpulannya terbuang

Biar peluru menembus kulitku
Aku tetap meradang menerjang

Luka dan bisa kubawa berlari
Berlari
Hingga hilang pedih peri

Dan aku akan lebih tidak perduli

Aku mau hidup seribu tahun lagi

Selamat Hari Raya