gone this long

gone this long

i havent lost myself in something for a long time
the thrill and excitement of being so caught up
in something you find yourself actually enjoying, u cant beat that
now i've got no motivation, i've lost all my passion.
i find this really disturbing
and sad.

i love u. whoever u are.

4 walls around me

4 walls around me

its been awhile.
for all of u eagerly anticipating another post from me, which is a long shot but a shot worth shooting, i've been in kl for the past 4 days. wat did i do there? nothing much except sleeping fitfully, spending a lot of money satisfactorily and just experiencing life outside s'pore however not that far kl is. trust me sitting in a car for 4 hours straight is quite a chore, especially if ur driver can only drive to techno music. i swear now i know the full lyrics to blue by reset, yes it was that bad.

anyways rather than regale my not so mainstream adventures to u dear readers (i'll personally tell u wat happened if u ask), i'll tell u abt this show i watched by teater kami last fri.

white baju. a story about life in a woman's prison in a theatrical equivalent of singapore. a motley crue of characters we all know exist but we never think would exist in a prison. the story was ok. it told its story and was enjoyable but not breathtaking. the acting was good. i was particularly impressed with Faezah Rahmat's portrayal of the sarcastic and very witty loner Gem and the never disappointing Dalifah Shahril who played Yayan, drug addict and grateful wife who hooks up with Abang played by Suraini Salam with equal aplomb.

what i gained from it however was the thought of life behind bars. juz one mistake, one wrong move and ur in. it may be ur very first time doing it or u may have been doing it for 20 years like clockwork without being caught. but one mistake and thats it. its like your found dead un a hotel room with s&m stuff lying all around. NOONE will remember you as anything else but a sexual sadist who enjoys weird sex. wat if u were juz trying it out for the first time. what if (ok this is stretching it a bit) someone found u dead and dressed you up in that shit?

isnt it scary that you will forever be branded a convict and judged by anyone who knows your history juz because of one conviction? i mean i'm not gonna differentiate first-timers or regular visitors because i think they are faced with the same problems. and i got no answers about wat we can do about it. i juz want you to think about wat they face. and wat all of us potentially faces if we do juz one crime, and get caught lah. you dun get caught i also dunno mah.

the last line was due to spending four days with an ah beng.

get yourself together

get yourself together

you guys ever had those people in your life that only come to you when they need your help?

i hate those people.

i mean they don't make any effort to really get to know you.
they only think about you when you can get them out of a sticky situation.
they take you for granted and are very fake.

this is the reason i treat my acquaintances as that and my friends as my friends. friends are to me people who you can talk to, hang out with or just smile at without any ulterior motive other than you enjoy knowing that person as a part (however small) of your life. these people are the people whom you can enjoy a decent Q n A session after not seeing each other for so long and you know that they genuinely are interested in how you have been.

the other kind. the ones i really dislike are those whom probably see you as an insignificant part of their life but keep you in mind anyways whenever they need something from you. this is especially true if you are known to be helpful and pretty obliging. they take this kindness as a cue to take advantage and maximise the potential you have for the task they have to complete.

i'm not an overtly friendly guy. in fact i am actually supremely shy when faced with people whom i know very little but known enough to remember them and at least say hi. the reason being i may want to get to know them better or i may have made a fool of myself the first time we met. but mainly, i dont like the idea of being supremely friendly to them when actually i know very little of them. it just seems too fake for my liking. i mean a simple smile is ok, but because i think too much of this, i guess i come off as a little stand-offish. and i've had my fair share of people who i dont talk to in school suddenly being nice and friendly only to find that they had a motive for it. i'm all for helping out if i think its a worthy cause but this hypocrisy, i dont like. i'd rather someone come up to me straight, lay down all the rules and give me a choice -help or not help. thats much more honest and i can help much more sincerely. still its not like i have a lot to offer. so it doesnt happen so often, except when i offer you an insight to my thinking - like it or not, i'm just sharing, you have the choice.

that's why you don't know. we go at nite.
(that's how we're gonna conquer the sun)

barely breathing

barely breathing

problem:
waking up tmr morning is probably impossible.

solution:
don't sleep

method:
post on your blog.

question:
post what?!?

do you guys really want to know what i did today? i mean...do you guys even want to know what i'm doing awake at this ungodly hour? will it make you feel better if i told you every single detail of what my life was like the past 24 hours or the past week? (i woke up at 11 and watched maria full of grace then went to work, then went to watch a rehearsal then had supper, then came home and realised my life sucked...happy?) chances are the answer is no....you're probably reading, waiting for something juicy or scandalous or sex-related to pop up,( i know i do when i read other blogs....i once read a blog about this girl with horrendous english. it was basically talking about her sexual adventures only she juz keeps saying she " goes with the flow" when we know she means she juz had a fuck and was shocked - i didnt know someone with english as bad as hers would even attempt blogging.. in english. it was really bad, but i kept on reading) .

or maybe you think i got interesting things to say.

well for those who want to know, i'm supposed to be doing my cds law project but i havent started. i cant seem to get started. its due tmr at 5. like harold says it: fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
and i juz finished all my fags.
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
well that aint so bad cos i can juz go to 7 eleven. but the law project = fuck

so i decide to forfeit the 25 percent of my grade and blog. why?
probably cos i fagged all my ciggies away and i cant be bothered to go out and buy a new pack. what is it with people and smoking anyways. do you think smokers really believe that smoking doesnt come with its price?

we juz want to do it so let us. i mean i am perfectly ok with people i know, people i care for and who i know cares for me, telling me that smoking isnt good for you (oh really? i thought that was juz a phase). what i dun like is people i DON'T know telling me what i should or should not do. i once had this guy who i can safely say and thankfully profess as an acquaintance in school coming up to me and making small talk. fine. then he went on to ask me what cigarettes i smoked. fine...i tell him. then he says "you really should quit lah dib, those things will kill ya"

erm hello? you my mom ah? if you were, no problemo..you have the divine right to say shit like that....i mean i have to give her credit what...9 months and a really big head...i would be worried too if after all that trouble the small thing with a really big head gave me 19 years and a few months ago, he now decided to fill his lungs with shit and smoke his way to an early grave. but even my mother doesnt say much. the closest thing she says is, "harga rokok dah naik dib...." translation - cigarettes prices are up. in that one sentence, i know enough that my mom loves me...and she knows tat telling me that is enough to make me feel guilty. enough to maybe contemplate quitting...for maybe half an hour? ok lah...until the next day when i'm out of the house.

so how did this the flow come to smoking? i don't know. do you? i bet you don't cos ur probli gonna be reading this once and then leave. or maybe you wont even finish reading it cos its so long. but then again you probably will end up reading it when you come again and realise i havent updated. so no one will know...but if you do tell me k cos i seriously don't have a clue.

i'm juz buying time before the pantomime that leads me to the drink with lime.

a'level results tmr. hope she does ok, really man i'm serious, i even msgd her good luck. then she can fuck off. cos when i hear or read abt the results all i can think of is her. and i havent thought of her for a long time. i'm not bitter, you're probably going "ya rite". but seriously i'm not. there's no point in it. i've coped without her in my life at all and thats cool. previously i've succumbed to every single time i missed being with someone, now i juz want every trace of her to be gone from my life and the a levels are the last thing standing in the way. cos i was with her through the initial stages of it and now its gonna be over and i can push the chapter of me and her a lil deeper. i don't need anyone right now cos i know how its like to be with someone and still be alone. so being alone is probably better than that. still. i hope she does ok. this probably doesnt interest any of you so if ur still reading...typical s'porean - kay poh

the changing mind - friend or foe?

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I can't remember the last time that we kissed goodbye
All our "I love you"s were just not enough to survive
Something your eyes never told me
But it's only now too plain to see,
Brilliant disguise when you hold me
And I'm free

I've been thinking and here's what I've come to conclude
Sometimes the distance is more than two people can use
But how could I have known girl
It was time and not space you would need
Darling tonight I could hold you and you would know
But would you believe?

There's a light in your eyes that I used to see
There's a place in your heart where I used to be
Was I wrong to assume that you were waiting for me
There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me

Cards and phone calls and photograph pictures of you
Constant reminder of all the things you get used to
Is there a chance in Hell or Heaven
That there's still something here to build on
Or do you just pick up the pieces after they fall
But after all

Should I keep on waiting or does love keep on fading away

It's been a while since I've seen you so how have you been
Did you get my letter I wrote you that I did not send
I tried to call your old number
But the voice that I heard on the phone
I recognized but she told me the number was wrong

There's a light in my eyes it's too bright to see
And a pain in my heart where you used to be
Guess I was wrong to assume that you were waiting here for me

There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me?



Will you please?