Ooh baby i love your way

Ooh baby i love your way



the pretty one with half of me...believe me the pic is better this way =)



On the 15th of January 2005 i wrote this in a blog entry.

"i juz want someone who i can have a nice argument with...totally relative to the fact that we complement each other and do stupid things that ur only allowed to do once and with one person only."

the person i was talkin abt...although i didnt know it at the time is now in dubai. living a pretty exciting life flying all over the world (except the US cos she hasnt made her visa yet...hmph).

i was readin thru my old blog entries and i wonder why i havent written as much since i met her. well in the space of a year...she became what my blog was.. i.e the place i let all my thoughts filter thru. a secondary part of me that helps me get to grips with life in general and not go beserk and kill someone. so i never needed to write here like i used to cos i channeled everything to her...and since she left, i juz couldnt bring myself to start writing again cos it meant revisiting the past...a past without her.

so baby...thats why i havent written here in a long long time, but this entry is for you

since she left for dubai...there's been a void here that kinda gets filled everytime i talk to her online and see her on the webcam. but since she left, its been pretty boring...and yeah..sad too.

so she came back last week...she bought her way here cos she had a flight in jakarta. and man...did i need this boost.

everything was exactly as i remembered it...the enthusiastic stories, the way she reacts when i say something nice then spoil it with somethin sarcastic..which i only do to incite the said reaction, the window shopping at supermarkets, the late night walks and just talkin abt people, the past, the future all the while savouring the moment. it was nice. very very nice.

so now she's back in dubai. but its only 7 weeks till she's back here and boy i can't hardly wait. its been hard but i always think about how hard it is for her...being away from her family, friends....being away from a life she's been living for the past 21 years.

i am only part of her life....a big part i'd like to think but i'm always realistic. things are good now...and i'm happy even though she's so far away...but i'm laying this down here and now. i don't think anyone has ever had such a positive impact on me before. i've always been cynical of life and people in general and while she has proven herself to be only human, she has also shown me how truly good a person can be and how much i can truly be loved by one other than my own family. i can only hope that the future holds plans for us both, together ...but i am more than happy to live in the now...taking it day by day like we always have =)

so let's beckon nov 5th...its gonna be tough not spending raya here but stay strong and you'll be rewarded with a very very happy boyfriend who'll pander to all you whimsical food cravings cos he's fat and likes to eat.

thank you sheereen isfahani fahmy

i juz wanna sleep. i dont care if i ever wake up.

HUA!!!

HUA!!!

so there...fast fwd 4 weeks later.

sheereen's in dubai.
i'm in MRF ...
and life goes on.

i'm gonna miss CMC ...definitely gonna miss her. but things are pretty ok with the unit lah...its tough physically...compared to the 10 weeks of canteen breaks at CMC but i like the potential camaraderie tat might come out of this.

i juz booked out after 7 days in camp..and tmr i'm back in. i'm tired but at least this is keeping me occupied...so i don't think of her so much.

anyways for those wondering how sheen is doing...i'm happy to report she's pretty good over there. her apartments pretty nice and she seems to be enjoying the company and lessons.

thats all for now lah. i'm sleepy...and i juz wanna sleep now. bye.

moving along

moving along

the frustrating thing abt life right now is the lack of time.
other than that i am actually enjoying ns...let's see if this survives the transition to unit life though.

i booked out just now...at around 6pm. i've got 3 days (plus one this weekend cos of may day) to run all my errands...spend time with the girl who's goin off in a month (i seriously dunno how i'm gonna survive without her selengeness when she's gone)...stay home a lil so my mom still remembers how i look like...read the books i bring back from camp(although i usually only attempt to)....and then try to fit in time for friends whom i havent seen in awhile.

i guess i feel guilty for always rejecting invitations to chill and hang out...and to people like johnny who never tires of asking me to minum teh...i am very sorry for the constant turn downs bro.

hopefully when i do go to unit ...i'll have more time. i'm looking forward to ending life as a trainee ...but of course with that comes the inevitable goodbyes to friends...whose company i've enjoyed more in 5 weeks than i did at apache in 15...where half the platoon were people i dreaded spending even a day with.


4 more weeks before i hopefully pass out as a combat medic.
4 more weeks before sheereen goes to dubai.
4 more weeks before my real life begins.

4 more weeks....damn

living in a box

living in a box

people all around you
life's is all about the people all around you

and the people around me are the people who make me who i am

those i've known from before..those living in the present with me..those i'll meet tmr and the next day

i've written a lot of things in this blog. some things dont make sense. some turn out sounding really mean. and some written out of anger and frustration. but all of them came from me.

all of them were influenced by all the people around me.

i guess i could never have kept this as a daily diary...jotting down every single mundane thing that i only found interesting because it happened to me. i'm sure we've all read and heckled the "interesting" lives of these serial bloggers whose quantity matters much..much..much more than quality. i guess despite my insistance of not wanting to let anybody in...the way i've written this blog has allowed most of you who read...or read(past tense...seeing how i havent been writing) this thing to get close enough to me without getting too comfortable.

i guess i'm tired ...too tired to rant anymore ...too tired to say things that i feel is right at that particular pt of time....becos when you finally come back to it..you realise how unnecessary some things are.

and tonight...i mean...this morning...on this morning that i'm writing all this...i feel like i've reached a juncture in life where things are just poised for action...all i want to do is pull the trigger and get the race started but i guess patience is the prudent choice. bmt is over...i'm now at nee soon camp goin thru a 10 week combat medic course...my girlfriend is gonna fly off to a country in the gulf...getting a chance to live her dream and at the same time giving us or rather forcing upon us an opportunity to test our relationship. i'm missing a lot of friends, gaining a few more along the way...and i'm getting to know a lil more abt myself as i go thru the interesting, regimental and sometimes seemingly pointless rituals of national service. i appreciate home more but i still cant force myself to stay home too long on the weekends. and i miss writing stuff here...like i used to. although i doubt i can ever go back to writing like i did...cos i've learnt that saying exactly what is on your mind is actually only a process of neutralizing common sense for that extended period.

so there....this is what i've been up to these past few months. thanks for dropping by.

and so it is

and so it is

stupid...stupid waste of time.
stupid waste of time doing absolutely nothing.
am i just wasting more time dwelling on the stupidity of the time wasted?

maybe

but i cant help it cos all i feel is this stupidity engulfing me...making things unbearably irritating

oh well...noone can possibly begin to emphatize with me
and so...i'll juz go back to the nothingness that promised so much

henfenk-pop-fuck

henfenk-pop-fuck

think of all the things that are worth thinking of.
banish the fears that dwell in your heart.

but never will u know.

for innocence
innocence ceases to prevail
innocence that exists only in projection
innocence in trust for the undeserving

and how about me?
the question that lays unanswered as u wonder why

its them who matters in the manner of nothing that matters.
at least to u.

cos frankly my dear...i dont give a fuck abt them
saccharine words of devotion
poetic simplicity is so.
the truth is suffice

and all i want to do is die.

dib - 190206 1337hrs

i see your face

i see your face

everything's small on the ground below.
what if i fall, then where would i go? would she know?

she is the one.

Happy birthday sheen!

Happy birthday sheen!


See that girl up there? She's the reason i've been enjoying myself so much these past 4 months.

Today she turns 21. With this coming of age...i really really hope she gets what she's always wanted...and that she waits til i turn 21 to watch R(A) movies.

so...happy 21st birthday Sheereen Isfahani Fahmy. i'm hoping that you'll get the ultimate birthday present selenge...love u =)

sleeping in..finally!

sleeping in..finally!

its the new year.

2005 was eventful to say the least. and as i reflect i realise how much of it will be defined for me by the last 4 months of it.

its been a year of disappointments...sad partings...and unexpected surprises.

finally leaving school, finding her, feeling disillusioned with theatre for the first time, losing the chance after really looking forward to work with 3 friends, leaving starbucks, losing my civilian status, watching the said 3 friends going through an experience they'll cherish for a long time and feeling like crap cos you wanted so bad to be part of that.....stuff like that.

i guess this year has made me re-assess many relationships, some for the better and a select few people i just feel i'm better off without.

i found myself to be in a rut. all my plans and aspirations never really pushed me anymore because i knew eventually i'd have to put it on hold.

i'm still putting it on hold..but at least now i know every day gone means i'm a day closer to getting my life back on track.

and i guess i couldnt have started 2006 on a better note. yesterday was great. having the HMKT peeps over was fun too. but i am so not looking forward to another week of tekong. but hey..tough times don't last, tough men do. right apache platoon 2?

back to showering amongst tthe hairy-butts of my bunk-mates tmr. tonight i sleep well.

naughty naughty

naughty naughty

i should be happy.

life has been different these past three weeks. ns was everything i expected it to be and it brought with it realisations which never would have propped up before.

i miss home. i miss my friends. i miss sheereen.

i miss watching tv till 4 am in the morning and waking up at one in the afternoon to go to work.
i miss chilling out with ah pek and the gang eating supper and smoking all my money away.
i miss sitting across her, listening to her go on and on about something or another...loving the fact that she is and wants to be with me.

as much as i miss some things, i'm pretty surprised about the things that i don't miss...and the things that i actually enjoy about my present situation.

i guess what those things are don't really matter but what i think matters is that i will get through this...and move on. i may not be the best company...but it'll only be for awhile.

apa nak jadi...jadilah.

i never realised how apt that title was. bmt 1/5 through...many many more weeks to go.

Rampant

silence.
revel in the sound of absence.

looking at you.

a smile.
your presence.


all i want to do is collapse into you.

breathing the scent that will keep me sane.
til i see you again.

i've traced back the feelings of discontent to my post on national day. that was the beginning of me not enjoying things i used to live for.

its quite sad really cos they used to represent so much of me.

friends, family, colleagues. they think they know what i'm about but i'll never allow that vulnerability to engulf me.

you read this. you judge. i don't blame you cos i do that too.

this entry is the epitome of itself.

Push the button

Push the button

read any 13-15 year old's friendster profile and you might find under the "about me" section, their e-mail addresses, that they like the sugababes(who doesnt?), chatting on msn and that they hate hypocrites.

the fact that i know all this isn't the point of this entry. but why does everybody hate hypocrites?

hypocrisy is something that is frowned upon and viewed with much negativity but how realistic is it for one to not be associated with that term. in this world of political correctness and especially in our asian culture of saving face i guess its hypocritical for us to even stand up and say "i'm definitely 100% not a hypocrite".

sometimes i profess things that i don't neccessarily believe in just to stop from too many questions being asked or to just humour a person not worth humouring. doesnt that make me a hypocrite?

there is this one thing on two legs whom i have totally no respect for as a person. and i treated him that way for a long time. i have since decided to just humour him because its too much trouble and effort to treat him like the cow shit he is. so now although i doubt my names high on his list of good listeners (he likes to tell crap stories about his pathetic life) ..i'm pretty sure he doesnt think of me as so much of a threat. i mean i've seen the phoney-ness of how some of my friends treat him and although i didnt believe in doing the same initially it was just too much drama not to just grin and bear it.

what a hypocrite.

its funny how in this age of expressing your ideas and being true to yourself that when someone consistently says out loud his honest, no-holds barred opinions, he is viewed much like a rebel in funny clothes in this society of cookie-cutters, stick a tail on my donkey ass pretenders.

and when someone says out loud what they really think about other people they are sued, issued gag orders or convicted. for their opinions. sheesh.

what i write here is probably as close to my actual thoughts compared to any conversation you might have with me. whether you know me or not, like me or despise me ..you can judge if you want, i guess i am asking for that if i actually get down to writing an entry about it. but for all the shit written here..i may actually not believe a single shred of it.

aaaah hypocrisy...beautiful ain't it?

-

-

there are times in life when you see the light. sometimes it shines straight into you so you cant help but close your eyes for awhile cos looking straight at it will hurt your eyes rendering you blind for a few seconds.

i've been absent these past few weeks. not physically...just mentally not present. i doubt if anyone noticed this absence cos i've come to realise that people may not be who i thought they were...at least with reagrds to me. it all might sound selfish to you but it makes perfect sense to me when i say this. i've lived my life in circles around people i care for. family, especially friends. and now with an absence more pronounced looming i feel a little sad that my presence may never have been of much importance to these people.

i guess i'm speaking from a very private place right now. the only people who "know" can't really comprehend and i don't blame them. cos the ones who can are the ones i've been absent from. and they will never have noticed it.

i've heard a lot of talk about leading your own life...hidup mesti jalan terus...haha..mestilah jalan terus..yang tak terjalan terus ...terus mampus. well my life is defined by the people around me and this ramadhan has probably opened my eyes to the truth. And i thank you all.

Kalau sampai waktuku
Ku mau tak seorang kan merayu
Tidak juga kau
Tak perlu sedu sedan itu

Aku ini binatang jalang
Dari kumpulannya terbuang

Biar peluru menembus kulitku
Aku tetap meradang menerjang

Luka dan bisa kubawa berlari
Berlari
Hingga hilang pedih peri

Dan aku akan lebih tidak perduli

Aku mau hidup seribu tahun lagi

Selamat Hari Raya

high quality cigarettes

high quality cigarettes

look up there..that box right here. full of 20 of my friends. sometimes i feel like their the only friends i have. then i go and finally spend some time with people whose company i sometimes have to decline because i'm too busy doing stuff that i think is important, surrounded by people who probably don't give a rat's eyelash abt me or my ideas. sad i know ..but i guess this makes me more reserved about things i previously would have been more excited about. but the excitement wanes as i realise that i don't really fit in. which is a good thing cos maybe they don't deserve everything that i can offer. the bottomline is i guess i don't care anymore. anyway back to the chilling.

when i go chillin with these people, with my members as they would put it, i smoke many many sticks from the big red box and i work out some abdominal muscles i forgot i still had from too much laughter and i have fun again. i forget about all the insecurity, anger about the lack of control i have and fear about crap like my future and doing shit for people who don't deserve even a fart. i feel like i belong again ..the same can't be said about other things though. but hey...i don't have a say in some things..and it will probably never change so what do i do? go chill out with people i enjoy chilling out with. the future? we'll go back to it some other time. there i go again abt the not so good stuff. you understand now why i need to chill?

and when there's no chilling out to do....

i got her to take stupid pictures with me (=

so 2nd dec..bring it on. i've had my fun...apa nak jadi..jadilah. ha ha ha
go and lick my koteh. i don't give a damn.

sweet goodbye

sweet goodbye

life is full of ups and downs. you go up, you come down. the ups are expected, the downs inevitable. bak kata anwar, " susah sekejap aje, senang pun tak lama"

so whats the point of living if life is so predictable, a close friend asked me that recently and i answered him with a passion i never knew i had about life.

i told him, "its just a ride, but its about what you take from the ride. don't focus on getting to the destination, just take in what you can from the ride. the sights, sounds, experiences, people. learn from everything so that you seize the highs when they come by and when you have the downs it'll pass by faster."

i think that basically sums up how i've seen life these past few months. i've been in the company of many different people, some fucked up, others inspirational, some really blur, a few searching for their true calling, two really smelly and one oh so beautiful. i've learnt from each and every one of them, the good, the bad, the smelly. i guess that's my way of taking in the ride, my way of enjoyin the journey.

saying that...i guess this has helped me come to terms with missing out on doing the dec show with 3 people i respect as individuals and whose company as a trio i look forward to every single time. its a missed opportunity but i guess its part of the ride.

and the fear of the future? its always gonna be there but i'm gonna enjoy the now. and now, i'm having the time of my life. i hope you are too. but if not its cool. cos the ride's just begun. heh. saying it demeans the true nature of my ecstasy so i'll just shut up now.

and no, I won't start that again. heh

si bodoh nak joget jugak

si bodoh nak joget jugak

if you sacrifice time, money and friendships to do the thing you love and to help a place you feel like you belong to only to see it being thrown back in your face by the comments and actions of the same place, would you feel like an utter idiot being led by the hairs on your ass, as you continue to pump in buckets of sweat ..not to mention tonnes of potential "lepak" time, to a place where recognition is hard to come by and even a simple sorry doesnt exist.

the lack of recognition is still tolerable though.

if you make a mistake that cannot be salvaged..the most logical thing is to just say sorry...its also the LEAST you can do. i would feel like crap but because of the way you've dealt with it...i feel like running into a concrete wall without a helmet. i've given what i can offer for your cause. even when i feel like i'm being picked on i just brush it off and take it in cos i tell myself i'm just being paranoid. but i guess this is the ice on top of the mountains you see in movies. its slowly melting like the patience i have for you and the friends i have there. maybe it has come to a pt where i have to fuck it all and just go. you've probably judged me already for the things i've done. the things you think will tar your name. so maybe i should make it easier for you lah huh.

and if any of my friends think they know how i feel. i can probably only agree that one or two really understand. but their different...they have things to offer so you need them. i am expected to be able to do everything when you want me to and if i cant you go around judging and destroying my credibility as a WHOLE person.

i know what i want...and i will eventually know what to do. once i do...i'll have no qualms doing it. then you can say whatever you want...oh wait..that's what you do now anyway.

its just a ride. i'll get there soon.

no matter what i do

no matter what i do

power is nothing without control.
and i never thought i would not have the power to control the way i feel. so i end up feeling like crap and like a million bucks at the same time.

i don't expect anyone to understand the way i feel and the reason i do stuff. and i know i deserve the consternation and indifference because of the circumstances i've allowed myself to get into.
believe me...i've asked and contradicted myself many times and i've tried not allowing things to go on personally.

if anyone understood the pain i felt with zura before...turn it 180 degrees (this is good not bad) around but add a lot of guilt to it - thats how i feel now.

the bottomline is...i like feeling the way i feel when she's around..a lot. this scares me but excites me at the same time. and i'll take that with me for a long long time..no matter how things turn out.

no matter what i do..aku jahat...aku tahu.

wed aftn

wed aftn

when you do something that you normally wouldnt do, is that called being out of character? but what if the things you do are always the things you normally don't do. how does that get defined? this is not making any sense..but humour me lah.picture this. what if every single day was filled with things you do for the first time or that you don't do again for a long time? does that excite you? or will it tire you?

i'm just wondering...cos this past week has been filled with things i've done before but not in succession...and its been fun. although i miss the routine which i will get back to next week and probably curse the tiresomeness.

and i'm still hung up over things i cant get..or if i'm gonna be more accurate, should not be trying to get. i'm not trying to objectify...this is me being cryptic..hur hur hur.

and singing to malay songs at the top of your voice when noone is at home on a wed afternoon is very happening.


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